


Once Upon a Time

by Metal_Chocobo



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fairy Tales, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-08
Updated: 2012-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_Chocobo/pseuds/Metal_Chocobo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an attempt to put his precocious daughter to sleep, Link finds himself telling a bedtime story. Somehow, as usual, things don't go quite as smoothly as he planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twelve Dancing Princesses

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by my own father trying to tell me a bedtime story when I was little, and he ended up talking about life insurance and credit card debt instead. That memory has stayed with me, and somehow, I don't think Link would be any better with HIS children.

“Go to sleep!”

“But I’m not tired, Daddy!” Piper said, demonstrating this fact by hopping from her bed onto a nearby chair. “I can still play for hours!”

Link sucked in a deep breath of air and let it out slowly. Zelda had been busy all week so he had been put ‘In Charge.’ For on time bedtimes he was batting oh for five. If he didn’t take a stand now on bedtimes, what was he going to do when she was old enough to drive or decided that she was going to be an international spy?

“But you’ve already brushed your teeth and changed into your jammies. All your stuffed buddies are cuddling on your bed waiting for you. You took a bath and it’s now eight thirty. Mommy says that’s bedtime.”

“But Mommy’s not here.”

“Do you really want Daddy in trouble?”

“We could go camping and hide from Mommy!”

Link couldn’t help but laugh. “Now you know that’s impossible. Mommy always finds us. Besides, if we hid that might worry Mommy.”

“I didn’t think of that,” Piper said, frowning.

“Come on,” Link said, picking his daughter up and depositing her on the bed. He pulled the covers over her lap. “I can’t make you fall asleep, but if you stay in bed I’ll tell you a story. Deal?”

“Deal!”

“Okay,” Link said, smiling at her eagerness. He scratched his chin, trying to not think of a Disneyfied tale she already knew.

“Do you have one?”

“The Twelve Dancing Princesses,” Link said, finally hitting on a good one.

Piper’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Dancing? With those stupid pink poofy dresses?”

“None of those dresses were poofy and only one was pink,” Link said knowingly. “My understanding is that women tend not to show up at an event in the same colored dress.” He could see he was losing her interest. “Besides, the dancing isn’t the main focal point of the story.”

“But it’s in the title!”

“Well, when you consider how little princesses seem to do in most fairytales, having twelve dance at once seemed like such a defining feature that it ended up in the title. Do you want to hear the story or not?”

“Yes please.”

“Once upon a time,” Link began, “in a kingdom quite like Hyrule five hundred years ago there was a king with twelve daughters.”

“That’s a lot of kids.”

“Yes it is, but at this time families tended to have a lot of children and as king he should have been able to support a dozen. However this wasn’t the case because the king wanted to provide his girls with every possible luxury and they all loved dancing. Buying twelve pairs of dancing shoes wouldn’t be that great of a hardship for a king, but having to buy twelve pairs every day? That’s a hardship, even for the king with his full access to the royal treasury.”

“But why did he have to buy new shoes everyday?”

“Because every morning they were worn out.”

“But why?”

“Nobody knew,” Link said, shrugging. He was pleased he had managed to draw Piper into the tale. “Since it was such a terrible draw on the treasury and the princesses were always tired, like the life force had been sucked out of them, the king set a reward of one of the princesses’ hand in marriage and half the kingdom for whoever could solve the mystery.”

“No Daddy,” Piper said as if she were the one talking to a small child, “why did the king have to spend so much money on shoes?”

“Well… shoes are expensive. First off you need a cobbler, a person who specializes in making shoes, to make the shoes. He or she often has help, especially if twelve pairs need to be made in a night’s time, and even if they have magic leprechauns to make shoes quickly—and for the record, leprechauns were never paid for their work until they started forming guilds two hundred years ago—the leprechauns still need to be fed and cared for. Then there are fees for gathering material and transportation. Plus when the shoes have a specialized function, like dancing shoes, you can slap on an extra fifty percent of the original sales cost, which is usually a twenty percent mark up from the cost of materials. Do this twelve times a night, which is three hundred sixty times a month or four thousand three hundred eighty times a year, and we’re talking about a royal treasury’s worth of money.”

“But couldn’t the king just make more?”

“That devalues all the money, just like when you break a chocolate bar into more and more pieces. You have more pieces to share, but each piece is less desirable than the whole bar.”

“Oooh.”

“So this was a problem. And like I said before, the king offered a great reward to solve it. However loads of people started showing up to try and fix the problem, but while they tried to fix the problem, they mooched off the king and ate all his food. Some people didn’t even bother trying to fix the problem. This made the king mad and he added another rule saying that anyone who failed solving the problem would get his head chopped off.”

“Or her head.”

“Yes, or her head. But gay marriage wasn’t really that popular of an idea at the time, so the king wasn’t thinking of it when he made the rule.”

“That’s not every nice of him.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Auntie Tetra would have something to say about that.”

“Auntie Tetra has something to say about everything.”

“Does Mommy have that sort of power?”

“To marry gay people or to chop off peoples’ heads?”

“To chop off peoples’ heads.”

“No. The court system decides whether people get their heads cut off based upon the rules parliament passed. Your mother has never once been involved with the death penalty, which is hanging here.”

“Why don’t we chop off heads anymore?”

“The last beheading was around three hundred years ago. While the man was a very bad king, the axe was dull and the executioner was blind in one eye, so it was a very painful way to die. Beheadings were then outlawed.”

“Oh. What happened next in the story?”

“Nobody tried to solve the problem. It got so bad the princesses had to go out and find jobs despite the fact they were always tired. The eldest sold life insurance and the fourth one dealt with credit card debt.”

“What were their names?”

“Alice, Becky, Cassandra, Danielle, Elizabeth, Fey, Gabrielle, Hailey, Isabel, Jasmine, Katrina, and Lydia.”

“Would they have named the next one Mary?”

“Perhaps. Around this time a war between two neighboring countries finally ended. A soldier was heading home from the war along one of the main trade routes. On the way he passed by a one legged man the other travelers ignored.”

“Why did they ignore him? I’d stare at a one legged man.”

“There were many one legged men because of the war, so they were a common sight. Instead he stopped and shared his luncheon with him. He thanked him and he went on his way. The next day as he hit the mountain border into the country with the twelve princesses he ran into a little old lady who was having trouble crossing the border. So he carried her over it. She thanked him and he went on his way. On the third day a bad storm started up and the soldier ran into a small child out in the mess. He took his cloak and wrapped the child in to for warmth and protection until the storm passed. When it finally passed the child turned into a fairy.”

“A fairy.”

“Yes, a fairy, a beautiful fairy with giant wings. She told him that she had also been the one legged man and the little old lady and that she would now reward him for his acts of kindness. She handed him his cloak back and said that it now had the power to grant him the power of invisibility. She also told him about the shoe problem and that he should check it out.”

“But what about his head?”

“I think she also implied he would win. So the soldier went to the king’s castle and said that if he could sleep outside the princesses’ room he could solve the mystery. The king agreed to these terms and so the soldier set up camp in front of the door to the princesses’ room.”

“Twelve girls were all sleeping in one room?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t they each have a room of their own?”

“It was a big room.”

“But isn’t this a castle?”

“Their mother had been terrified of losing a child when they were small, so she liked having all the girls in one big room where she could easily go in and count them. Much faster than having to walk all over the castle to visit twelve different rooms. Plus after the economic crisis set it, the king had to rent out rooms from the castle so there was no longer room for each princess to have her own room.”

“He should have stopped buying them shoes.”

“So the next time you eat up all the cookies I should stop buying you cookies?”

“No Daddy,” Piper laughed.

“That night the soldier pretended to go to sleep. Then after midnight—“

“That’s really late.”

“Yes it is sweet heart; everyone should be asleep by midnight. After midnight the soldier heard a load groaning noise from within the princesses’ room. He pulled his invisibility cloak on and quietly pushed the door open. Inside he saw the twelve princesses descending into a trapdoor that had not been there before. He hurried into the room and down the staircase right after the slowest princess.”

“Who was the slowest?”

“The eighth one, Hailey. As he followed Hailey down the tunnel it suddenly opened up to reveal a vast cavern. The princesses and the soldier entered a forest of copper. The princesses passed it by without even noticing it, but the soldier was so amazed with it that he broke off a branch and stuffed it in his pocket. They then passed through a forest of silver and the same thing happened.”

“Did they then pass through a forest of gold and the soldier take another branch?” Piper asked eagerly.

“Have you heard this story before?” Link asked. He waggled his eyebrows at her suspiciously causing her to giggle and shake her head. He continued the story. “Then the party reached a lake with a cleared off island in the center. Along the shore twelve small boats awaited the princesses. The soldier climbed into the boat with Hailey and then they all took off. The boat carrying two trailed behind the others.”

“Didn’t Hailey or one of the others notice?”

“No. All during this odd procession the princesses walked as if they were asleep,” Link said. “When they arrived at the island in the center of the lake twelve human princes appeared. They each took the hand of a princess and it was at that moment each girl woke up. Every royal pair danced the night away. They danced waltzes and jigs, swing, the jitter bug, the tango… just about every dance imaginable the royal couples danced.”

“Even the funky chicken?”

“I believe the soldier saw three rounds of the funky chicken and an encore.”

“Are you serious, Daddy?”

“Oh yes. Then at dawn the human princes disappeared. The princesses fell back into their enchanted sleep and crawled back into their boats. Again the soldier stowed away on Hailey’s ship. They retracted their steps through the forest of gold, then the forest of sliver, then the forest of copper, before entering the passageway, and finally returning to the princesses’ room. The soldier then snuck out the door and dropped onto his pallet and pretended to sleep.”

“Didn’t castle security notice he wasn’t on his pallet during the night?”

“In those days kings didn’t have their guards patrol the insides of their castles very often. They were more afraid of outside invaders. So mid morning the soldier went before the king and shared his results. ‘Lies,’ the princesses screamed, ‘the stranger lies.’ The king was also furious with and couldn’t possibly believe that his precious daughters would lie.”

“You think I sometimes lie.”

“I may dote on you all the time my little princess, but I’m not a total fool. The soldier produced the branches of copper, silver, and gold and set them before the king to back his story. The priest was called in to test the validity of the soldier’s proof. He produced the Lens of Truth—“

“What’s that?”

“A magic magnifying glass made to see through any illusion. When the priest looked through the glass at the copper branch it sizzled into ash. The soldier repeated that his story was true and the princesses said nothing. When the priest looked through the glass at the silver branch it sizzled into ash. The soldier repeated that his story was true and the princesses said nothing. The king said that he was pretty certain now that the branches were elf magic and perhaps the gold branch should be left as gold.”

Piper laughed at the king’s hopefulness. “Did the soldier let him?”

“No,” Link said, shaking his head. “ The soldier stood firm. The priest looked through the glass at the gold branch and it too sizzled into ash. The soldier repeated that his story was true and the princesses said nothing. Then the priest pulled out the Mask of Truth.”

“Does that also make illusions disappear?”

“No. The Mask of Truth allows the wearer to hear the thoughts of the people around him and the wearer can ask any question and will receive a truthful answer.”

“How could somebody make the Lens of Truth or the Mask of Truth?”

“Ask your mother in the morning,” Link said. He was not equipped to explain the inner workings of powerful magical items that evening.

“Okay,” Piper said. She was not happy with that explanation.

“So the king put on the Mask of Truth and asked what had happened the night before. The soldier repeated his tale. When the king asked his daughters what had happened they had to tell him the same story as what the soldier just told. This was proof the soldier was right. The king declared that the soldier could have his pick of his daughters and half the kingdom.”

“He could have his pick,” Piper said. “Could the princesses refuse?”

“I don’t think so,” Link said. “This was before the women’s rights movement in any country.”

“But, but, but that’s wrong! A woman always has a right and the king took that away!” Piper shouted. “Daddy, how could this happen?”

“If it’s any consolation the soldier picked Hailey and she liked him back,” Link said. “And all the other princesses ended up marrying those human princes they liked. So there was a massive wedding.”

“Why didn’t they fight back? Why didn’t they revolt?”

“Ask your mother, Piper,” Link said, feeling very old and tired. “I don’t understand why they didn’t any better than you do.”

After spending several minutes calming her, Link tucked his daughter in and kissed her goodnight. He made certain she had a firm grip on her penguin doll and her griffin-print blanket. He flipped on her nightlight, scattering flying dragon silhouettes across the ceiling. When he turned off the overhead light Link looked back into the room at his little girl.

“Good night princess,” he said. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

“Daddy?”

“Yes Piper?”

“Do I have to worry about any princes trying to marry me?”

“I hope not,” Link said. “As long as your mother is around I can assure you the women will be making all the decisions in this family. If any prince even thinks of marrying you and you aren’t madly in love with him, he’s going to end up on the wrong end of half a dozen blades.”

Several hours later well after Piper was asleep Link went to check on her. He found his wife leaning against the doorway watching her sleep.

“Hi princess,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. “How long have you been standing here?”

“You know that isn’t true any more,” she said, not taking her eyes off Piper. “It hasn’t been true for years.”

“Forgive me for liking a time when you had less responsibility.”

“And less freedom to chose who I want to be with.” She briefly smiled at him. “I outgrew that crown years ago. Which as you may recall, is the only reason I got you.”

“How long have you been standing here, Zelda?”

“Only a few minutes. I just got home. Parliament took far too long to make up their mind, but at least we have a new trade agreement. I consider that to be a victory.”

“Congratulations. I had my own victory tonight, Piper went to bed on time.”

They watched her sleep in silence for several minutes. Neither one seemed willing to walk away just yet.

“I never thought I would ever have a job more difficult than being queen,” Zelda said.

“I’m afraid I just made it a little harder tonight,” Link said. “Tomorrow morning over breakfast you are going to have to explain the creation of powerful magical tools and the evolution of women’s rights. The death penalty and macroeconomics might also come up.”

“Link!”

“Shh, you’ll wake her up.”

“What did you do?”

Link held his hands up in surrender. “All I did was tell her a fairytale.”


	2. L.U.C.A.

“Read me a story.”

“No. I already let you stay up late watching _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ ,” Link said. “It is time for bed.”

“Please,” Piper said. She produced a book and held it out to Link. It was a college level biology book that probably weighed more than Link. “Read from this.”

Link took the book and flipped though a couple of chapters. It was filled with small print and colorful diagrams depicting evolution, respiration, organelles, and just about every other biological detail known to man. Piper had yet to learn how to read.

“Where did you get this?” he asked.

“Skullkid gave it to me. He said I’d never be smart if I couldn’t understand something as simple as this.”

_‘Well, Skullkid is an idiot,’_ Link thought. After clearing his throat he said, “You aren’t stupid, Piper.”

“But I can’t read it.”

“You can’t read anything, kiddo.”

“That makes it even worse!” she started crying.

“You’re not stupid,” Link said again, wrapping his arms around his daughter. He was baffled as to why the current lack of a skill she would soon learn anyway made her so unhappy. “You’re just young.”

“But Mommy could read at my age.”

“And I couldn’t,” Link said firmly. He grinned at Piper. “Between you and me, I think Mommy possesses a few superpowers she’s never bother to mention. But if it will make you feel better, I’ll read to you from the biology book.”

“Biology?”

“Study of life, Pipes. Do you want me to start anywhere in particular?”

“The beginning? Then you read through to the end?”

“This book is over twelve hundred pages long and that doesn’t include the appendices! It would take months for us to read it all.”

“Oh,” Piper said, visibly disheartened. “How am I going to prove I’m not stupid to Skullkid then?”

“We could pick one chapter and learn whatever concept it’s trying to teach us.”

“Let’s do that, Daddy.”

Link flipped to what he hoped was near the beginning of the book and found himself on chapter 20, _Genomes and Their Evolution_. With a grimace he turned back a few hundred pages until he recognized something from high school.

“The cell,” he read, “is made of various compartments called organelles. We will discuss these in detail in chapter seven and concentrate on one specific organelle in chapter six. That organelle is the cellular membrane. The membrane is made of a phospholipid bilayer arranged with the hydrophilic heads pointing outward to protect the hydrophobic tails…”

“Go on,” Piper urged when Link trailed off, “read more story.”

_‘She has no idea what I just read,’_ Link thought. He shut the book on his finger and said, “I don’t really like that story, let’s read a different one, eh?”

Piper just shrugged, confirming Link’s suspicions. She hated leaving a story mid-way through and always complained bitterly.

Link flipped through the book looking for something—anything—that he could actually explain to a child. Nothing seemed like it would be even mildly entertaining to a five-year-old. Most of it he wasn’t certain he could understand without a couple hours of study.

“You know your mom is better at these sorts of things than I am,” he after, after looking through another sixty pages. This book did not want to make biology easy.

“Is Mommy better at everything?”

“No, I make friends easier than she does.”

“That’s important.”

“It is,” Link said, smiling. He flipped another page.

“Dragon!” Piper squealed, jabbing the page with her finger. Link looked down at the page. It was a chart showing the evolutionary descent from the last universal common ancestor. Next to the elf representing mammals there was a dragon for reptiles. The chart also showed eukaryotes diverging from archeae and then archeae separating from bacteria. Link frowned a little; he didn’t see any place on the chart for the undead, but then he realized that since they were undead they couldn’t reproduce, hence no spot on the evolution diagram.

“Tell me about the dragon,” Piper said eagerly. “What are the lines for?” She traced the lines up and down the picture until she reached the bacteria.

An idea slapped him so hard Link would have to be an utter fool not to use it.

“You know the dragon isn’t the most interesting thing in the picture here,” he said, turning the book so she could see better.

“Is it this?” Piper asked, touching a cilia covered cell.

“That’s a protist, sweetie. This is,” he said, touching the point where all the lines converged.

“But there’s no picture there, just a few letters.”

“Do you know what those letters are?”

“Of course, I know my ABCs, Daddy.”

“L, U, C, and A. What does that mean?”

“L.U.C.A.,” Link said, pronouncing it as if it were the name.

“What’s so special about Luca?”

“What’s so special about LUCA?” Link said, feigning surprise. “You don’t know? Well then, I’ll have to tell you. Once upon a time—”

“Is this a real story?”

“Of course it is.”

“But you started it with ‘Once upon a time,’ and those are always fakes.”

“Always? No, I don’t think so. In this case, Piper, the story happened so long ago that we aren’t certain of all the facts. That’s why I said ‘Once upon a time’ instead of something else.”

“Oh. Continue please.”

“Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there existed a creature named LUCA. Now LUCA was a rather magical creature and had more abilities than anyone I have ever met.”

“Even more than Mommy?”

“That’s a close call, but yes, LUCA had so many incredible gifts that no mammal can match it. LUCA was also a bit magical, invisible to the naked eye and able to survive situations we couldn’t imagine.”

“What sort of situations?”

“Extreme heat, lack of oxygen, intense radiation from UV light, no food… the list goes on and on. But due to all these super heroic abilities LUCA begot lots of children.”

“How many children?”

“Well… an average cell divides fifty or so times in its life, so I imagine LUCA had at least that many.”

“That’s way too many kids.”

“Far too many for anyone in our species to properly care for, but the right amount for LUCA. All of those children received LUCA’s talents because LUCA decided to make them all the best they could be. However, LUCA had just too many abilities for the children to handle and they couldn’t take LUCA’s standards. Some children have up the heat abilities, some lost the ability to make their own food, and others gave up chemotherapy.”

“Why couldn’t they keep all the abilities? Were LUCA’s standards really too high?”

“I guess they were. Some kids just can’t live up to their parents expectations.”

“Do I live up to your expectations?”

“You’re beyond my wildest expectations. Every day you amaze me with some surprising leap of ingenuity.”

“Do I live up to Mommy’s expectations?”

Link was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Now I’m not a mind reader and you know Mommy keeps her own counsel. I mean, she doesn’t like to share her private thoughts with anyone.”

“Not even you?”

“She lets me in more than most people, but I think she takes particular pleasure in keeping me in the dark.” Link paused and shook his head. “The fact your mom likes to tease me isn’t my point. My point was that despite the fact she never told me, I know she thinks you’re the greatest thing on Earth. Even when Zelly’s furious and ready to bite the head off anyone who even looks at her, you can just sally in and bring a smile to her face. A real smile, not her baring her teeth. You light up our lives, Pipes.”

Piper fiddled with her blanket, feeling uncomfortable. “That’s a lotta pressure, Daddy.”

“I don’t mean it to be,” Link said, rubbing his daughter’s head. “Just remember Mommy and I love you very much.”

“I know that,” Piper said laughing. “Can you tell me what happens next?”

“So I was saying that LUCA’s children each chose a few traits and specified in those abilities. The children passed the abilities onto their children and their children’s children, refining it more and more each generation. After many generations the children had differentiated themselves into two distinct groups. They were called Bacteria and the Archeae. The two groups had different ideals on what should be considered important and so they grew apart.”

“What sort of ideas, Daddy?”

“Well… the Bacteria were simple folk. They wanted to stick to the basic principles of life; eat, grow, and reproduce many many times. Fancy new changes just didn’t suit them and while they willingly gave up some of LUCA’s magic, they didn’t want to make any of their own.”

“What about the Archeae?”

“They had some different ideas from the Bacteria. They loved to live a life of danger and mystery. Preferring to make their homes in the most extreme environments imaginable, like sulfur pits or volcanic vents on the bottom of the sea, the Archeae valued the privacy such homes afforded above all else. This allowed them to develop secrets never told to people outside of their exclusive membership. Even now we know very little about them, but we hope to learn more.”

“Is that like the Sheikah?” Piper asked, referring to the secret tribe that had acted as body guards and unseen protectors of the royal family since the founding of Hyrule.

“Yes, just a bit,” Link said in agreement, liking the parallel his daughter had drawn. “After all these generations that formed the two groups, the Bacteria and the Archeae no longer associated with each other.”

“So they were fighting?”

“More of a cold war.”

“Adam and Steve should have come and negotiated a treaty between the Bacteria and the Archeae.”

“Adam and Steve won’t be born for another two billion years or so. They couldn’t possibly help out the situation. Besides, we wouldn’t want them to make up, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.”

“How does that work?”

“I’m getting to that, so be patient,” Link said. “A few more generations pass—probably around a few thousand—and something else happens in the Archeae family. There was a great schism, a divide, between two groups in the Archeae family. One group wanted to follow the traditional ideals, while the other wanted to move in a new direction.

“What was that direction?”

“Completely different from the one before.”

“But how was it different?”

“They dreamed big. They wanted to grow; grow big, grow huge, far larger than the miniscule size of their insignificant forefathers. They wanted to live new life unlike that of any previous generation and learn new skills, both those long forgotten and those never imagined before. They wanted the Earth to divulge her wonders and secrets to them through work and exploration. Unlike those before, these people did not want their children to be exactly like them and their mothers before them, but rather to experience new joys and sorrows unique to their very own existence.”

“That sounds difficult.”

“It was. And yet, they succeeded. They were called the Eukaryotes and all the old groups were hence known as the Prokaryotes.”

“Why do they all have long weird names?”

“Some dead old white male humans, probably from the 1800s, named them. As you know, dead old white male humans like giving everything long complicated names that are in Latin and Latin is a dead human language.”

“But why do they do that?”

“Because they think it’s cool.”

“That’s silly.”

“It is. All humans are silly, but elves are too, so it’s okay. Anyway, so these Eukaryotes now had all these big dreams and plans. So they grew and changed over the generations until they had turned into as many creatures as there are stars in the sky. The first of these creatures to really form a defined group were probably the plants, in fact I’m certain plants were the first to really come into their own, and fungi. Then later came animals, amphibians, then reptiles—”

“Dragons! “

“Including dragons,” Link said in agreement. “Birds came next, and then mammals. Another sixty five million years or so and we get hominids.”

“Hominids? Like Aunt Tetra and Aunt Aryll?”

“I think you’re thinking of homosexuals, but yes, they’re hominids and we are too. Humans are also hominids and Neanderthals were hominids.”

“Does this mean we descended from dragons?” Piper asked excitedly. Her eyes were shining. “I could grow a tail? And wings?”

“No it doesn’t,” Link said, mind reeling. Somewhere he had gone wrong in his explanation. Zelda would kill him if he left her misinformed and she tried to do something stupid, like trying to fly off the castle roof.

“Why not?” Piper asked.

“We relate to dragons in that somewhere along the way a member of the Eukaryote tribesmen of the Animal clan had two children that were, as most Eukaryote children, different from each other. One child found the skills and traits more useful to us to be their favorite and over millions of generations grew into us. The other found the skills that would eventually, over many generations, turn them into dragons.”

“So we aren’t really dragons.”

“No Pipes, I’m sorry. Our ancestry split off from the dragons,” Link said. “It’s like you, me, and Aunt Aryll. She’s my sister and so we are very similar. You, my dear daughter, are just as similar to me as Aryll is, but you and Aunt Aryll are not that similar to each other. If Aunt Aryll had kids, you would be even less similar to your cousins than you are to your Aunt, but you’re still similar, just less so.”

“Are you and Mommy similar?”

“Thankfully, no,” Link said, smiling.

“Why do you say that?”

“Socially, it’s a bad idea to marry your family members,” Link said. “Although it happened in Mommy’s family a lot, I think it’s icky. Families where members commonly marry each other develop genetic diseases. Like hemophilia, a problem where when you start bleeding, you keep bleeding and can’t stop easily.”

“That sounds scary!”

“Luckily we’ve developed magic and medicine to control hemophilia,” Link said. He paused for a few minutes, thinking. “Hominids, we were on hominids. Now hominid means the group of creatures most related, most similar, to us. This includes extinct—”

“That means they’re all dead, doesn’t it?” Piper asked.

“You’re as smart as your mom, which means you’re right,” Link said. “Some of the extinct groups are Ardipithecus, Australopithecus, Paranthropus, and most forms of Homo. A couple of forms of Homo, like _Homo sapiens_ , are still alive. We are part of that group.”

“What does Homo mean?” Piper asked.

“Homo means ‘man’ in Latin,” Link said. “Humans are _Homo sapiens_ or wise man.”

“Do we have a Latin name?”

“Yes. It’s _Homo magus_ or magical man.”

“The names are sorta similar.”

“They are similar and that is because we are closely related. We’re in the same genus, but are different species. That means our group of people, elves, are basically cousins to humans. We’re actually close enough that we can marry and have children together. I think the same was true of Neanderthals.”

“That’s really crazy… wait a minute, does that mean I’m related to LUCA?”

“Yup. Everyone and everything is related to LUCA. That’s because LUCA stands for Last Universal Common Ancestor.”

“So LUCA’s my grandmother?”

“More like great grandmother to the billionth ‘great’ degree.”

“Wow,” Piper said, completely stunned.

“Wow is right,” Link said, “and that is the story of LUCA.” He kissed his daughter on the forehead and left her to her thoughts.

The next morning Piper raced into the kitchen so quickly that she startled Zelda into spilling her orange juice all over the morning paper. Link looked up from the bagel he was smearing strawberry cream cheese over. Piper looked so excited that she could barely contain herself.

“Mommy Mommy guess what?” She said, hopping as she held onto the table.

“What Piper?” Zelda said, too busy trying to clean up the juice to pay attention.

“Did you know I have a great great great grandma named LUCA? And she’s really amazing and magical?”

“Grandma Luca?” Zelda asked.

“And she’s related to all living organisms in the world! I can’t wait to tell Skullkid all about this! There’s no way he can call me stupid now.”

The grandfather clock in the next room tolled out the hour. Piper gasped after hearing the bong ring.

“I’m going to be late for school! Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy! I love you both!” Then she ran off.

Zelda turned to look at Link. Her paper was a soggy orange mess now. “What was that all about?” she asked, “And whose Grandma LUCA, Link?”

“Technically, I don’t know if LUCA was male or female, but female seems more likely since LUCA is the mother of all known life,” Link said thoughtfully. At Zelda’s look he added, “LUCA as in Last Universal Common Ancestor.”

“Ah,” Zelda said in understanding. She drank some coffee. “So I take it you told her about LUCA last night?”

“Yup.”

“You know she’s probably going to get it wrong and it will turn into some massive game of telephone at the end of which everyone in her preschool thinks they’re second cousins with a giant tentacled cell named Luca.”

“Have a little faith in our girl.”

“I am not holding a press conference to say that my great great great grandmother was an elf and not an amoeba. Your mess, your press conference, prince consort.”

“I think this will be a lovely learning experience for the kids. And besides,” Link added, grinning wickedly, “We could always say the amoeba was my grandmother.”

Zelda had the dignified response of throwing half a banana at him. Link dodged it.

“In two weeks you are going to publicly address the nation and give a lecture on evolution and explain what LUCA is in laymen terms,” she said. “You’d better study up.”

“Is that an order?”

“If it has to be.”

“Fine,” Link said, “but I think you’re being a little paranoid. And you’ll be publicly outed for being married to a geek.”

“Better to have a geek for a husband than the grandson of an amoeba.”

Link stared. Zelda smirked. Then they both burst out laughing.

Two weeks later Link gave his much-anticipated lecture. He carefully explained evolution and the concept of LUCA without making any mistakes or using any five syllable words. He also definitively answered that while yes, elves were distantly related to LUCA and the same was true for all other life on the planet, no one in the royal family was directly related to an amoeba.

As usual, Zelda was right about everything.


	3. Mido and the Deku Brothers Three

“Daddy, do you know any stories from your childhood?” Piper asked as Link tucked her into bed. “I mean ones that I haven’t heard before. Ones that aren’t in any books.”

“Well, I don’t know if this isn’t in any books, but I’ll tell you my favorite tale when I was little,” Link said. “Will that do?”

“Have I heard it before?”

“Not from me.”

“Yes,” Piper said, nodding vigorously.

“As you know, I was an orphan and so that meant I grew up in the Kokiri Forest. And as a boy I was take care of by the ‘children of the forest’ or Kokiri, which are kids that never grow up, but live as long as the trees. And as an orphan I had no last name because I had no family, so I took the forest’s name for my own.”

“I know all that,” Piper said impatiently. “Get to the story!”

“I’m getting there,” Link said in mock anger. “You asked for a non book story and so I have to set up the context I first learned the story. Believe me you’ll want to know this when you tell your kids where you learned the story from.”

“I’m not having kids.”

“You’re not?” Link said. “Well that might be a little bit of a problem. Who will be your heir when you’re queen?”

“I’ll make Hyrule a democracy upon my death,” Piper said, nodding sagely.

“But see, we tried that already,” Link said. “After the fall of Queen Lillian the fair, her son, her only child, took the throne and he botched the job so badly that there was a revolt and the country switched to a democracy for two hundred years. This might have worked, except we kept having male leaders that kept the ruling curse going—”

“What’s the ruling curse?” Piper said. “Do I have to worry about the ruling curse?”

“Are you a boy?”

“No.”

“Then probably not,” Link said. “Since King Dalphious first united the country through war and the first hero, the Hero of Time, rose, kings have been bad luck for Hyrule. All of our wars, plagues, revolts, and Gannondorf revivals have occurred when there has been a king on the throne. That’s why Queen Zelda the third, using her divine foresight, instated the rule that daughters inherited the throne first.”

“That isn’t fair. That means that if I were a boy my little sister would get to rule instead.”

“It isn’t fair, Pipes,” Link agreed. “But it’s much better than having you take the throne if you were a boy and then getting killed within the first twelve years of your rule, or have to deal with a war, or plague. The worst would be having to deal with Ganondorf. He’s a real monster.”

Piper shivered. “Daddy, I don’t want to talk about Ganondorf. He scares me.”

“He scares me too,” Link said. He rubbed his hands together. “Back to the story. The point of all this history is that I learned this story from the Koiri who were around when it happened. This story took place a long long time ago when the Hero of Time was still a little boy.”

“Is that long enough ago to need a once upon a time beginning, Daddy?”

“Yes I do believe it is,” Link said, smiling. “This story is called Mido and the Deku Brothers Three.”

“Who’s Mido?”

“Once upon a time there lived a boy in the Kokiri woods and he was not a hero. He was a Kokiri named Mido and his most favorite activity in the whole entire world was bossing people around.”

“Like Mommy?”

“No, not at all like Mommy. Mommy bosses people around because she has to because it’s part of her job. People look for her to tell them what to do. Mido always told people what to do even when his opinion wasn’t wanted, which was almost all the time. When people didn’t do what he said he teased and bullied them. Mido was the reason the Hero of Time was such a shy and scared little boy.”

“But he still grew up to do courageous things despite all the mean things Mido did!”

“Some might argue that the Hero of Time did more courageous things as a little boy,” Link said. “It’s much harder to face down a giant monster when you know you are little and weak and never do anything right then when you’re all grown up and have experience on your side.”

“Mido wasn’t courageous.”

“You’re right, he was a coward, but he liked to boast of being brave and strong. One year at the annual Festival of the Forest the Kokiri were picking parts for the annual play. As usual, Saria, the smartest and most beautiful of the Kokiri would be the princess, but the prince varied from year to year.”

“You mean the Hero wasn’t always the prince?”

“No he was only the prince once, the year before he left. Remember, since he was Hylain like us, elves, and not a true Kokiri, or forest sprit, he grew and aged. There would only have been a few years he was old enough to actually be the prince.”

“So was that the year he was prince?”

“No, that’s another story. But, like that year Mido was not picked to be the prince. As usual, when Mido didn’t get his way, he threw a fit. He announced to the whole group that he was being treated unfairly and would not participate in this year’s festival. Then in a rage he stormed off into the Lost Woods.”

“So he ruined it for everyone.”

“Yup. Mido wandered around for hours in the Lost Woods.”

“Wait, isn’t he Kokiri? So how could he get lost in the Lost Woods? It’s his forest.”

“Mido shouldn’t have gotten lost. However, he was so furious that he went so deep into the woods that the music that guides the Kokiri could no longer reach him. He wandered around for hours and soon became cold and hungry and miserable. All he wanted to do was go home. He was even willing to apologize to the others.”

“Which he should do anyway,” Piper said.

“Clearly Mido didn’t have your understanding of right and wrong,” Link said. “Soon he found himself in the southlands of the forest, the swampy area of the woods. He walked through thigh high mud and was even chased by a giant frog.”

“What kind of frog?” Piper asked. “Was it spotted?”

“It had bright orange spots on its dark blue back,” Link said. “And a long purple tongue that was as thick as your arm. Once it managed to wrap its tongue around Mido’s ankle, but he managed to escape before being swallowed whole. He spent the whole night running from the frog.”

“I wish the frog had eaten him,” Piper said. “Poor froggy went hungry.”

“Poor froggy had just eaten a cow,” Link said. “He only wanted to eat Mido because Kokiri is such a rare delicacy. Really if he had eaten Mido the poor frog would have gorged himself and been sick.

“Poor frog.”

“Shortly after dawn Mido finally escaped the frog and stumbled into a solid valley. It was just a tiny little valley, just barely big enough to hold a squat house. Still, if it was a house it must have food inside. So Mido went up to the small front door and walked right in without bothering to knock.”

“Isn’t that breaking an entering?” Piper asked.

“Illegal trespass,” Link said, silently reminding himself to censor Piper’s viewing habits. “As soon as he went inside he caught sight of a table and on the table there were three bowls of porridge. Mido sat down at the first bowl and scooped a spoonful into his mouth. It was so hot that Mido spat it all out on the table. He coughed and hacked because he had burned the top of his mouth so badly.”

“He should have blown on it first.”

“Yes he should have. After Mido had recovered from his first taste he tried the second bowl because he was still starving. This time he blew on his spoonful then popped it in her mouth. He spat it out instantly because this time it was icey cold.”

“How come one was really hot and the other cold?” Piper asked. “Shouldn’t they all be the same warmness?”

“Apparently someone had poured Lon Lon milk on the second bowl because it was much soupier than the last one. Since Lon Lon milk is always kept nice and cold, that could freeze up the porridge.”

“So what did Mido do? Did he pour the second bowl into the first?” Piper asked.

“That would have been a smart move,” Link said, laughing because it was such a brilliant idea. “But instead Mido tasted the third bowl. This one was just the perfect temperature so he gobbled it all down. Now that he had eaten he was ready to dry off and relax. So he stripped down to his underwear, leaving his clothes on the table and dropped into a big comfy looking chair. He sat in it for a moment, then realized that it was a really hard chair that he couldn’t stay seated in. He moved on to the second chair and nearly drowned in all the cushions.”

“I’ve sat in chairs like those,” Piper said. “They’re fun to deep sea dive in, but I’m not supposed to do that.”

“Yes, a lot of the older court ladies own similar chairs,” Link said. “After Mido resurfaced from the chair he decided to try the last chair. This one was a rocking chair and it fit Mido perfectly. He rocked and rocked so fast and quickly that he turned the chair upside down, smashing the chair.”

“Did he smash his head too?”

“Surprisingly no,” Link said. “By this point Mido was really tired, so he went to the back of the house looking for a bed. He found the bedroom with three beds in it.”

“Was the first one too hard, the second too soft, and the third just right?” Piper asked eagerly.

“You just took the words right out of my mouth,” Link said. He looked at her suspiciously. “Have you heard this story before?”

“No Daddy,” Piper giggled. “That’s just what I thought would happen next.”

“You were right. I think you got your mom’s smarts. After Mido got into that third bed he fell promptly asleep,” Link said. “Some time later the front door opened and three Deku Scrubs shuffled in. They were three brothers who lived together. That morning they had left for their usual dawn meditation after setting out their breakfast to cool.”

“I bet they were shocked at what they found.”

“They were. Especially finding all that green clothing on the table. After wondering about the clothes for a little while the Eldest Deku Brother noticed his spoon in his porridge and little specks of the stuff around his placemat. He said, ‘Somebody’s been eating my porridge,’ while looking around.”

“That was Mido.”

“Yes it was, but they didn’t know that. Then the Middle Deku brother noticed his bowl was in a similar state. He said, ‘Somebody’s been eating my porridge too.’ That was when the Youngest Deku Brother noticed his bowl. He said, ‘Soebody’s been eating my porridge and they ate it all up.’ He dropped his bowl into the sink because Deku Scrubs can be surprisingly tidy creatures.”

“Mido should have cleaned up his mess,” Piper said disapprovingly. “Mommy always makes me clean up mine.”

“Mommy makes me clean up mine too,” Link said. “Then they went into the living room. The Eldest Deku Brother saw that Mido had left scratches in his chair and said, ‘Somebody’s been sitting in my chair.’ The Middle Deku Brother saw some of his pillows on the floor and said, ‘Somebody’s been sitting in my chair.’ Then the Youngest Deku brother saw his chair smashed to bits and said, ‘Somebody’s been sitting in my chair and they broke it.’”

“Did he cry? I would have cried,” Piper said.

“He began to sob and the Middle Deku Brother comforted him,” Link said. “Now they were really angry and they stormed into the bedroom. The Eldest Deku Brother saw that his sheets were now a balled up mess and he said—”

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Piper shouted eagerly, getting into the rhythm of the fairytale.

“Then the Middle Deku Brother saw all his pillows once again strewn all over the place and he said…”

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!”

“Then the Youngest Deku Scrub said his bed and said…”

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!”

“And he’s still there!” Link finished, matching Piper’s volume.

His daughter giggled and bounced eagerly at this turn of events. She even clapped her hands a few times. Link waited until she had calmed down some before continuing.

“All this yelling woke Mido up,” Link said. “He stared wide eyed at the three angry Deku Scrubs bearing down on him. With a scream Mido hopped out of bed and ran for the door. All three Deku Brothers were so angry they began spitting exploding deku nuts at him from their mouths.”

“I thought those were their noses,” Piper said.

“They might actually be noses,” Link said thoughtfully. “I don’t know much about the physiology of Deku Scrubs. Deku Scrubs are a plant-animal species. They have mouth like openings on their faces that they can spit out various objects, but these openings can’t shut and they derive all their sustenance, food, from photosynthesis. So you tell me if it’s a nose or a mouth.”

“Photosynthesis? What’s that?” Piper asked.

“It’s a chemical process that turns sunlight into sugar inside of leaves,” Link said. “I bet that’s also in your biology book. Do you want me to read to you about photosynthesis tomorrow night, Pipes?”

Piper shook her head. “Finish the story,” she said, clearly certain from Link’s tone that he was nearly done.

“Alright kiddo, I’ll do as you wish,” Link said. “So Mido was being pummeled by deku nuts. They were practically rained down on him and deku nuts hurt when they hit you, especially if they explode and especially if you aren’t wearing anything on your back. Mido grabbed his clothing off the kitchen table and ran out of the house. The Deku Brothers weren’t ready to give up the hunt. They chased him across hill and swamp all the way to the end of the southlands.”

“Why did they stop there?”

“I guess they ran out of energy when they hit the higher harder ground,” Link said. “After all, Mido had eaten all of their breakfasts. Besides, the southlands’ trees are too whimpy to hold a boy Mido’s size up in the air, so I bet that when he finally reached the regular Lost Woods Mido climbed a tree. Deku Scrubs can’t climb and since they’re partly wood, their necks can’t bend up very well, so they couldn’t keep shooting at Mido.”

“That was smart of Mido,” Piper said. “I didn’t realize he was that smart.”

“I think he climbed more out of fear than anything else,” Link said, smiling. “When the Deku Brothers finally left Mido in his tree, the Kokiri slide down the tree and hobbled back into the Lost Woods. Eventually he reached the music again and was able to find his way back into the familiar part of the Lost Woods.”

“There’s a familiar part to the Lost Woods?”

“Yes there is,” Link said. “I remember learning a few parts of the Woods myself when I was a kid. I never got very far, but the Kokiri know vast portions of it. His friends, Saria and the Hero of Time, found him and they carried their badly bruised friend back home and put him to bed because even if Mido was a braggart and a bully, he was a Kokiri and that made him family.”

“And you always take care of your family,” Piper said.

“And your friends,” Link finished. He kissed his daughter on the forehead and retucked her into bed. “That was the story of Mido and the Deku Brothers Three. Now go to sleep, Pipes, and have sweet dreams.”

“But I’m still not sleepy,” Piper whined.

“Then you can think up ways you would escape the Deku Brothers until you fall asleep,” Link said, flipping on her nightlight. “Good night sweetheart.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Piper.”

After Link shut the door he strolled down the various halls, almost got lost at the suit of Goronic armor by the third staircase because the light was burned out then walked into Zelda’s bedroom. Technically it was their bedroom, since Link slept there too every night and most of his clothing was in the auxiliary closet, but even after five years of marriage (and a period of time Link was supposed to deny the existence of) and sleeping in that bed, Link still thought of it as Zelda’s room. He still had a small apartment in the knight’s wing of the castle he used for cartography and all of his other hobbies.

He stripped down to his underwear and crawled into bed. After snuggling under the covers Zelda’s arm wrapped itself around his neck.

“Hey,” she said, stacking up a pile of papers and setting them on the nightstand. “How did the reading go? By the time I got all my papers sorted you were already at the part with the Deku Brothers chasing Mido, so I thought it prudent to get ready for bed.”

“You still could have stopped in and said hello,” Link mumbled into her side. “Piper would have been delighted.”

“Piper enjoys story time with Daddy,” Zelda said. “The last time I tried reading her a bedtime story she complained the entire time that I didn’t use voices like Daddy and that I didn’t have all sorts of answers like Daddy.”

“And she’s complained in the past that I can’t read stories like Mommy,” Link said, grinning. “I think she’s playing us, Princess.”

“It’s Queenie now,” Zelda said.

“You’ll always be my princess, Luv,” Link said. They kissed. “By the way, was thinking we could all go to this year’s Festival of Kokiri Forest.”

“That’s only two months away, Link,” Zelda sighed. “I doubt I’ll be able to find the time.”

“Please,” Link whined, wrapping his arms around his wife. “It’s only one afternoon. You’re the one always saying these are Piper’s formative years. I want her to have some memories of the three of us together where we’re actually wearing clothing we can move in.”

“You can move in your formal dress,” Zelda said, “but I have to admit they aren’t as comfortable as a pair of shorts. I’ll try my best, Link.”

“That’s all I can ask,” Link said, smiling. “Your best is better than perfect.”

“Now who’s kidding?”

“You babe, for deluding yourself into thinking you’re anything less than perfect.”

“Good night, Link,” Zelda said, unable the stop smiling. Somehow he always put a smile on her face and she never could get rid of it.

“Night Princess.”

Link fell asleep first, holding onto his wife tightly. Zelda fell asleep second, after she reviewed a few more papers then turned off the light and curled up with her nose in Link’s hair. Piper fell asleep last, well after the moon had reached the apex of its path across the sky, only after she had devised the best plan of outwitting the Deku Brothers.


	4. The Princess and the Pea

“What’s tonight’s story, Daddy?” Piper asked.

“How about The Princess and the Pea?” Link offered, holding up the book of children’s fairy tales Zelda’s great aunt had sent Piper. “Or as it’s called in the original Danish texts _The Princess on the Pea_.”

“Why is it different in the Danish text?”

“The tale is called _The Princess on the Pea_ in just about every language other than English and Hylain, or at least this version of it in Hylain. Your great great aunt got you an English book that was translated into Hylain,” Link said, looking at the pages, “and they didn’t do a very good job of it.”

“But why is it different?” Piper persisted.

“When the story was first translated into English it was thought that it sounded too much like princesses urinating, so they changed it,” Link said. “The idea was that princesses don’t pee.”

“Princesses pee!”

“I know they do, but that was supposed to be a big secret,” Link said. “They didn’t want it getting out that princesses need to pee.”

“Who didn’t want it getting out?” Piper demanded indignantly.

“Royal councilors,” Link said. “The idea was that the royal family was part deity, so they didn’t necessarily need to do all human bodily functions. Also, it was considered unseemly for princesses to need pee.”

“I pee,” Piper said.

“Yes you do,” Link said, smiling. “And in toilets too.”

“Are princesses not supposed to poop either?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Did Mommy pee when she was a princess?”

“You know what, that’s a good question for your mother,” Link said, opening the book again. “Why don’t you save the rest of your questions for later and I’ll read you the story.”

“Fine,” Piper said, still dissatisfied. She clearly was not ready to drop the subject.

“Once upon a time,” Link read. “There was a kingdom with a king, a queen, and a prince. The prince had grown into a young man and he was very lonely, and he wanted a companion for himself the way his father had his mother. So he went on a search for a suitable princess.”

“One that couldn’t use the bathroom?” Piper asked, still unhappy.

“Probably,” Link agreed. “And no one bathed at this time, so everyone smelled worse than dung beetles.”

“I wouldn’t want to live with all these silly people.”

“Neither would I. So the prince went from kingdom to kingdom looking for the perfect princess to be his bride. His mother had given him a list of seven hundred thirty-eight things to look for in a princess, but much to the prince’s distress, there was something wrong with each princess he visited.”

“What sort of problems?”

Link glanced down at the book. “It doesn’t say, Pipes.”

“But what was wrong with the princesses?”

Link shut the book and thought for a moment. “One had pigs’ hooves for feet,” he said. “Another wasn’t just covered with warts, she was a giant frog. A third sneezed fire, which wouldn’t have been a problem, except she was also allergic to flowers and set the bouquet the prince offered her on fire during their very first meeting.”

“Was she a dragon?” Piper asked. “Does that mean I could marry a dragon?”

“I believe her great grandmother had been a dragon, so she had dragon blood in her veins, yes,” Link said. “As for you marrying a dragon, I had better meet the reptile before you even think of going out with him. Or her. I’m not handing my little girl over to anyone Mommy doesn’t approve of.”

“But Mommy doesn’t like dragons,” Piper whined.

“With good reason. Dragons have a nasty habit of trying to eat princesses. Why, I remember your mom having to bash snouts in left and right when she was a princess. She just had to walk into a room and all the dragons started salivating.”

“You’re making that up,” Piper said.

“Maybe,” Link said, smiling. “But it is true a dragon nearly ate Mommy when she was a teenager. I have the newspaper article and everything.”

Piper stared at her father. A silent war raged inside her between her love of dragons and her love for her mother. Finally she said, “The dragon shouldn’t have tried to eat Mommy.”

“I agree with you,” Link said, tossing the fairytale book aside. He winced when he realized he had just thrown a book, but considering the writing was an assault on the Hylain language, he felt vaguely justified. “Shortly after Mommy was rescued, by Impa, her Shiekah nursemaid and protector, the king of dragons sent a formal apology to Zelda. We still have the head somewhere.”

“Did the king kidnap Mommy?”

“No, he didn’t, but King Gustaf, before the plague, set aside most of the mountain range containing Death Mountain is in as a dragon sanctuary. Technically, it’s considered Hyrulean Royal lands, but traditionally the dragons have run any and all affairs there.”

Piper’s eyes shined and she opened her mouth to ask another question, but Link cut her off.

“No, we cannot just drop by the Dragon Sanctuary unannounced or even announced. With the exception of official business, we need an invitation to visit,” Link said. “Even if you manage to wrangle one, I’m still not letting you go until you learn to heed me better. The last thing I need is for you to go scampering off on your own and getting munched as an afternoon snack by one of the hosts. Remember, you’re a very edible princess.”

“You’re no fun,” Piper mumbled.

“Well, the prince couldn’t have fun either given the horrible brides from which he had to chose. He wanted a partner like his trusty valet, someone he could joke around with and explore the kingdom with; someone he could trust to watch his back and keep his secrets. What he needed was a proper princess.”

“Why didn’t he marry his valet?”

“Because his valet wasn’t a proper princess. After many months of visiting princesses—none of whom met his mother’s standards or were even remotely likeable to the prince—he gave up and went home. That very night a terrible storm started brewing. In the middle of the night a terrible pounding was heard on thumping on the front door of the castle.”

“What was it, Daddy?” Piper asked.

“It was so loud that it woke the entire house. The prince himself, who had been staying up late catching up on all the reading he had missed while bride-hunting, opened the front door. Into his arms fell a young woman.”

“A girl,” Piper said. “A young girl could pound on the door so loudly that she woke the entire household. Did she break her hand?”

“No, but all things considered, I’m amazed she didn’t,” Link said thoughtfully. “I also think this must have been one of those rare acoustic castles that allow noise from the front door to bounce throughout the entire castle, which is why everyone heard the noise.”

“Is our castle like that?”

“I don’t think so,” Link said. “When the queen came down to see what all the fuss was and saw the young woman cuddling up to her son, she was ready to throw her back into the storm. But when the girl said she was a princess most proper, the queen decided to test her instead.”

“How?” Piper asked.

“She suddenly became very sweet and offered the girl the best guest room in the house. To make it so the girl would have nice sweet dreams the queen ordered the bed to be piled with the softest goose-feathered mattresses. On top of that, servants piled mattress softeners filled with bunny fluff and chick down, all made of the highest quality. With all these additional comforts, the bed rose twelve feet high and was worth more than half the kingdom!”

“Why would they make such an expensive bed?”

“Because only that was fit for a proper princess.”

“But if it was twelve feet tall, how would she get into bed? Wouldn’t it tip over when she tried?” Piper asked. “Your and Mommy’s mattress-softener slides off all the time and that’s only an inch high.”

“You’ve made a good point,” Link said. “So that the bed wouldn’t be dangerous, the servants also had to construct a scaffolding to keep the bed straight. It made the bed look like it was under construction. Against the side of the bed leaned a fifteen foot ladder that reached all the way to the top of the bed.”

“Did the girl like it?” Piper asked.

“She did, but she didn’t know that the queen had secretly placed a dried pea under the bottom most mattress,” Link said. “She knew that if the princess could feel the pea even under all that bedding, she was a truly proper princess.”

“I wouldn’t feel a pea under my bed,” Piper said, distressed. “Does that mean I’m not a real princess? That Mommy isn’t my mommy?”

“Pipes, Pipes, I was there the day you were born and I have been there every day since, and believe you me, you are your mother’s daughter,” Link said. “This was a silly test used centuries ago, the same way humans liked to accuse old women of witchcraft in the 1700s. The test doesn’t actually prove anything because princesses are just like any other people, except they’re born with higher expectations on their heads than most.”

“So what does that mean?” Piper asked.

“The prince’s mother decided to use an impossible test,” Link said. “It was to teach a little waif who had appeared on her door step a lesson, but it backfired. The next morning, instead of a well-rested girl, the stranger was covered in black and blue bruises. When asked about it, she said there was a horribly large lump in her bed that kept her awake all night.”

“And that was the pea,” Piper said.

“Yes.”

“But what about all the feathers?” Piper asked. “They all have hard ends that keep the feathers in one piece. Why didn’t those cause the bruises if the pea, much lower down, cause bruises?”

“You know what, I bet you’re right, some of those bruises must have been caused by the feathers,” Link said, “Because not all the bruises were the same size. Anyway, the queen was astounded. Over the course of the day she found that the girl had not only passed the sensitivity test, she had passed all the other princess requirements the queen had set forth.”

“What were the tests?”

“How little she could eat, while using as much silverware as possible, her dance moves, the ability to make idle chatter, her dance steps, embroidery, how tightly she could wear her corsets—”

“Corsets?” Piper asked.

“A long time ago women used to wear bands of cloth and whalebone that tightened and restricted their tummies to make them look thinner,” Link said. “It was a dangerous practice that squished your internal organs.”

“That sounds awful,” Piper said.

“It was very icky,” Link said.

“So she was a perfectly proper princess?” Piper asked.

“Indeed,” Link said. “After determining this fact, the queen declared that she had found the perfect wife had been found for her son.”

“I wouldn’t want a stupid princess like that for my wife,” Piper said.

“Neither would I,” Link said. “And neither did the prince. He said he didn’t want a prince that would smash all her bones if she fell down or cut herself if someone waved a piece of paper in her direction.”

“Mommy wasn’t a stupid princess when you met her, was she?” Piper asked.

“Mommy has never been a stupid anything in her entire life,” Link said. “And while I think she can do most of the things on the proper princess list from when she got her own princess training, she finds most of it stupid and useless, so she doesn’t bother with them.”

“Will I get princess training?” Piper asked.

“Will you get princess training, why, you’ve already started,” Link said. “You’re already learning your colors and understanding science of the world around us, and soon you’ll be learning how to read and write. So you might not learn how to curtsy sixteen different ways, but who really needs that many different curtsies?”

“So you and Mommy are making up a better lesson plan.”

“Yes,” Link said grinning. “Mommy promised me before you were born that while you would still have regular schooling, I got to fill your head with whatever I thought was best. So for the next several years while teachers teach you how to read, write and do basic math, I’ll be laying the basic foundation to your belief system, explaining all the constellations in the night sky, and telling you about all the plants and animals I can find.”

“Really?” Piper asked excitedly. “We get to spend lots of time together?”

“Yes we do,” Link said. “Eventually, you’ll be so sick of hearing me explain everything that you’ll decide to find things out on your own, but until then I’ll come up with fun stuff. Mommy will tell you about your family history, stuff that never made it into the classroom, like how your great grandmother liked to play poker and chew tobacco.”

“Cool!” Piper said excitedly. Clearly the idea of Link teaching her was very appealing.

“It’s a shame the councilors weren’t as excited about this arrangement,” Link said to himself.

“I need to have a talk with these councilors,” Piper said.

“The prince was almost as smart as you are. He declared that he refused to marry a proper princess that had the aforementioned problems because she was too much trouble,” Link said. “He wanted a companion that would be his partner, not a doll, and all the princesses he had met didn’t fit that category.”

“But his valet did!” Piper said excitedly.

“And that’s just what the prince said,” Link said, nodding and smiling. He was proud of his daughter’s memory. “The prince grabbed his valet’s hand and gave a moving speech about how his valet was the only one who understood him and the only one he loved. Then he fell to one knee and asked for his hand in marriage.”

“Was he shocked?” Piper asked. “I would have been shocked.”

“The valet, and everybody else for that matter, was so surprised that no one spoke for a full minute,” Link said. “Then the valet accepted his offer and madness broke out in the castle. After a chaotic month, the prince and his valet were married and set out to complete a general survey and reconnaissance of the kingdom to determine where the tax money was needed for improvements. The king and queen learned to accept their son was gay and married to a commoner. As for the girl, she was bundled up more carefully than a glass ornament and sent off to her own kingdom.”

“Was she really a princess?” Piper asked.

“Surprisingly, yes,” Link said. “She was the younger sister of the crown princess of her kingdom and unlike her little sister, the crown princess was competent and failed most of the princess tests.”

“Ha,” Piper laughed.

“Exactly,” Link said. “Now it’s time for bed Pipes, I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Several days later, Piper ran into Minister Potho while she was escaping her nursemaid. After she bumped into him and fell, the minister helped her up. She asked him who he was and he introduced himself as one of her mother’s trusted court officials.

“Are you a councilman?” Piper asked.

“Why yes I am,” Minister Potho said cheerfully. “What a smart little girl you are, your highness.”

Before he could say anything else Piper glared at him and pointed her finger up at his face.

“Why don’t you think princesses can pee?” she demanded. “It shouldn’t be a secret! And they shouldn’t have to bruise after touching a dried pea!”

“My dear young lady,” the minister began, completely confused.

“And I don’t need to know more than one curtsey to be a proper princess!” she shouted.

“Piper?” Zelda said, coming around a corner. “I could hear you yelling. What’s wrong?”

“He doesn’t think princesses should pee!” Piper shouted accusingly, still pointing at the minister. “Daddy said so!”

“Daddy clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Come here,” Zelda said, picking her daughter up. “Minister Potho, I am terribly sorry about my daughter’s behavior.”

“It’s quite alright,” Minister Potho said, laughing. “Tykes sometimes get the strangest ideas. Why I remember my own granddaughter being afraid of my mustache until she was four because she thought it was contagious.”

“But he’s a councilman and so he doesn’t think princesses should pee or be smart,” Piper insisted.

“We are a culture that values female leadership,” Zelda said. “I promise you that Minister Potho has helped defend my stance in many arguments over the years. He and all the other councilmen we have would never refuse a basic bodily function from anyone, much less their future leader.”

“But in the story…”

“Where did that story originate, Piper?”

“In Danishland.”

“Denmark,” Zelda translated. “That makes it a human fairytale. Since the agricultural revolution and the ability to store food, male humans began taking away various rights of their female counterparts until in the upper echelons of society, they became little more than living dolls. Since then, most practices have been abolished, but womankind still carries scars from their time of bondage.”

“Huh?” Piper asked.

“What I mean, my dear,” Zelda said smiling. “Is while elves have adopted some of the bad habits humans have had in the past, like wearing high heels that hurt your feet, no elf has ever been so silly as to pretend princesses can’t pee. And there are no humans who believe that now either.”

“So Minister Potho doesn’t believe there are proper princess rules?” Piper asked.

“Oh certainly he does,” Zelda said. “Like myself, he believes that since princesses grow up to be queens, they need to be kind and fair. They need to consider all sides of a problem before acting and they need to admit when they’re wrong.”

“So I need to apologize,” Piper said.

“It would be a good idea,” Zelda said, smiling again.

“I’m sorry for saying you didn’t think princesses could pee, Minister Potho,” Piper said, refusing to meet the man’s eyes. “And for the stuff about the curtseys and peas.”

“And I thank you, your highness,” Minister Potho said. He bowed to Zelda and said, “Your Majesty.” before walking away.

“Am I in trouble?” Piper asked.

“Only if you don’t want to go eat ice cream with me and hear about the trouble I got into when I was just a touch older than you,” Zelda said. “If we’re lucky, we might be able to get Daddy to come and tell us about his childhood.”

“Can I hear about you and the dragon?” Piper asked eagerly. “Daddy said you were almost eaten and we have a head somewhere!”

“There your father goes again,” Zelda sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t know why I love him so much.”

Piper giggled. Then they did exactly what Zelda suggested. That morning Zelda told her daughter all about her encounter of the scaly kind over a tub of ice cream. Link, who seemed to magically turn up as soon as the lid came off the ice cream, even found the dragon skull. Somehow Piper managed to jam the cranium over her own head and it took the queen and her consort an entire week to get it off again. Zelda was not pleased with her husband.


	5. Jack and the Giant Cannon

“Daddy, what happened to your beard?” Piper asked when she saw her father come into the room.

“Mommy thought I was too scruffy,” Link said. He scooped his daughter up into his arms, leaving her blocks scattered over the floor. “Now it’s time for bed.”

“You’re wearing a bowtie!” Piper said excitedly. She grabbed hold of his tie and asked, “Can I try it on?”

“No Piper don’t…” Link trailed off because her nimble little fingers had just turned his clumsy bowtie into two wrinkly strips of cloth again. _‘That was forty minutes of my life I’ll never get back,’_ Link thought ruefully.

“I’m sorry Daddy,” Piper said.

“It’s okay, Pipes. I can always retie it,” Link said, setting Piper on her bed. _‘Or else find my old clip-on.’_

“But why are you wearing a bowtie and shaving off your beard?”

“Mommy wants me looking nice and presentable at the party we have to go to tonight,” Link said, pulling off Piper’s shoes.

“You’re going to a party?” Piper asked. “Can I come too?”

“No,” Link said. “And you wouldn’t want to come.”

“Why not?”

“Because it will be very boring. I have to wear tight stuffy clothing that I can’t be comfortable in and I have to make small talk with a bunch of strangers.”

“Small talk?”

“I can only really talk to all the guests about the weather and the hors d'œuvres, and even then I can only talk about the cocktail weenies.”

“Cocktail weenies,” Piper laughed.

“Yes, cocktail weenies,” Link said. “They’re small little hotdogs that are tasty and juicy. Much better hot than cold. That’s about it. All my small interesting talk used up in two seconds.”

“What about your weather talk?”

“Boy, that was some storm last week. Isn’t this weather great? I’m so sick of all this snow.”

“Those aren’t very exciting.”

“Here’s my best weather one. Aren’t all these colorful leaves so pretty? It’s a shame they’re such a pain to rake up.”

“This doesn’t sound like a fun party.”

“They never are,” Link said. “Luckily, I have a much more exciting story for you. It’s called Jack and the Giant Cannon.”

“Jack and the Giant Cannon?”

“Once upon a time, long after the Hero of Twilight gave his last howl, there lived a widow and her son. They were once a fisherman’s family living at the edge of Lake Hylian in a shack that had been passed down in the family for generations. They used to be happy, however when the fisherman died in a horrible clam accident, his wife and child lost everything.”

“A clam accident?”

“Yes, the father was a deep-lake diver who fished for pearls. Since pearls form within clams, he often had to fight and capture the biggest clams for the biggest pearls. This was dangerous work because all these clams were meat eaters and the bigger ones were known to eat elven flesh.”

“So the clams ate him?”

“A whole mess of them ambushed him while he was at the depth of the lake. They ate him all up, even his Zora tunic, which allowed him to breathe underwater.”

“That’s… awful.”

“It was,” Link agreed. “However it was over quickly and he didn’t suffer. Up on land however, the fisherman’s wife suffered greatly and she had to raise their baby son on her own.”

“What was his name?” Piper asked.

“Jack, and he is the hero of our story,” Link said. “About a ten years after these tragic events, the widow and Jack were utterly destitute.”

“Destitute?”

“Poor beyond belief,” Link said. “This was because fishing was their life and the widow wasn’t a fishermen, so they had lost their sole income, their way of getting money.”

“So what were they going to do?” Piper asked. “I bet they weren’t going to leave things the way they were. If they did, there’d be no story.”

“How do you always seem to know the answers, Pipes?” Link asked, frowning playfully. “Do I know any stories you haven’t heard before?”

“No Daddy, I haven’t heard this one before,” Piper said, looking at him seriously. “You can’t stop, you have to tell me everything.”

“Okay,” Link said, grinning. “So three days after Jack’s eleventh birthday, the porch fell off the back of the shack into Lake Hylian and the widow decided she was through being destitute. She had some Zora lineage in her background, although her grandmother had been the last to be able to breath underwater without magical assistance, and she knew that her distant cousins would be willing to teach Jack the family trade.”

“Jack was part Zora?”

“Yes, he was a thirty second Zoran, just enough to make his eyes look a little fishy and give him a bluish tinge. Apparently a person loses the fishy smell when they’re less than an eighth Zoran,” Link said, thinking about his experiences with Zora-Hylian hybrids. “There has always been some interbreeding around large bodies of water between Zoras and elves in any country, but it’s less common farther inland because Zoras have certain amphibian traits, like laying water-permeable eggs and absorbing liquid through their skin, and their quality of life significantly decreases when they don’t hang out in water for at least part of the day.”

“But Jack was pretty much a Hylian, right?”

“Yes, but he had the same love of the lake as both his parents did, so that’s why the widow wanted to get him a Zora tunic; so he could breath underwater and live by the lake the way his family always had.”

“But if she’s so poor, how was the widow gonna do it?”

“The widow had a cow,” Link said. “It had been a wedding present and at thirteen years of age, the cow was getting on in years, but she should have been able to produce a few more years of milk and so the widow told Jack to take the cow to Castle Town’s farmer’s market and sell her for the best price he could find.”

“We live in Castle Town!” Piper said. “That’s the capital of Hyrule and I’ve been to the farmer’s market!”

“I bought you some beef jerky there,” Link said. “Well, Jack crossed the vast field of Hyrule to Castle Town. With the sleepy cow in tow it took Jack three days to reach the town, because as you know, it’s dangerous to cross Hyrule field at night.”

“That’s when the dead rise to chew on the living,” Piper said. “And if I ever get stuck outside of a town’s protective spells at night I should climb a tree or on top of a large rock with no soil on it so that the skeletons can’t catch me.”

“And what do you do if you run into a redead?” Link asked, referring to the most dreadful undead creature found outside of certain magically protected tombs and temples. Redeads were slow moving zombies whose screams froze their intended victim in place so that they could jump on the victim’s backs and suck the life out.

“I plug my ears and run for sunlight as fast as I can,” Piper said.

“Good,” Link said. “Remind me to teach you the Sun Song tomorrow. It’s a magic spell that can freeze the redeads for a short while so that you can escape.”

“Why didn’t you teach me the song before?”

“Because your fingers weren’t long enough to play the notes until now,” Link said gently. “As for Jack, when he made it to Castle Town, no one was interested in his worn out cow. So Jack had to go back home and disappoint his mother. That made him very sad.”

“No one likes disappointing their mommy,” Piper said.

“Which is why Jack was so excited when a man at Lon Lon Ranch, the place he spent the second night of his trip home, wanted to buy his cow. He didn’t have any money, but he did have a huge cannon, which Jack happily traded the cow for.”

“A cannon?” Piper asked. “Like Aunt Tetra uses?”

“Aunt Tetra’s cannon looks like a pea-shooter compared to this cannon. This cannon was massive—bigger than a house—and it was a famous cannon.”

“Why was it famous?”

“Because it was the very same cannon the Hero of Twilight used in his adventure,” Link said. “Or at least that’s what the man told Jack.”

“Was he lying?”

“That’s what Jack’s mother thought when Jack hauled the cannon home. She was so furious that Jack had sold their only remaining food source for a rusty old cannon that didn’t even have any balls to shoot out of it that she kicked the cannon. The cannon had been on the top of an incline, so with the bit of force pushing it over a touch, the cannon rolled down into the lake.”

“So it ended up at the bottom of the lake?” Piper asked. “You can’t use a cannon underwater.”

“You’re right you can’t. Which is why it’s a very good thing some Zoras had tethered a raft right where the bank gave out to the watery depths. When the cannon rolled onto the raft, the ropes broke and the raft floated back to the surface, carrying the cannon with it. The raft and cannon floated out to the center of the lake.”

“That’s one strong raft.”

“Strongest raft I’ve ever come across. Jack was sad he had been cheated out of his cow, but pleased that the cannon was still somewhere he could investigate it. A few days later Jack swam out to the cannon and decided he was going to try and fire something out of it. He loaded the cannon with gunpowder and a wick. He was going to shoot a cucco out of it because he wanted to teach it how to fly.”

“Cuccos don’t belong in cannons!”

“They really don’t,” Link agreed. “And while Jack was trying to put the cucco in the giant cannon, the cucco fluttered away and he fell in instead. He landed head first at the bottom.”

“Served him right,” Piper said. “Cuccos are meant for holding onto when you jump off cliffs to glide with, not for shooting out of cannons.”

“When he fell in Jack accidentally tipped the cannon so that it was no longer pointing directly up at the sky. This was good news for Jack because the cannon when off blasting him into the sky.”

“Just like the Hero of Twilight!”

“Exactly like the Hero of Twilight. If the cannon had been pointed straight up, he could have tumbled back down into the cannon and splat would have been the end of Jack. Instead, because it was tilted Jack flew off into the sky and he landed, just after he reached the high point of the arch and was at a fairly low velocity, in a pool of water. When he surfaced he saw a city, an entire city, perched up there in the clouds.”

“So that was the Hero of Twilight’s cannon.”

“The man hadn’t lied to Jack,” Link said. “He sold him the real deal.”

“So what happened next?”

“Well the first thing Jack did was climb out of the pool,” Link said. “Then he wandered into the city to explore.”

“Was there anyone up there?”

“Yes, actually. There is a species of bird creatures that live up in the clouds called The Oocca. It is believed that they built the city centuries ago, but I’m not certain how they managed it without any hands… maybe they once had some. Anyway, then Jack ambled through the great halls of the city, marveling at how the ceilings were so high they seemed to touch the stars. Once he had gotten himself utterly lost, the entire hall suddenly started rattling, seemingly in time to a great ‘thud… thud… thud.’”

“What was it?”

“Footsteps.”

“But how can that be? You said the whole building was shaking.”

“Jack didn’t realize they were footsteps until he heard a massive rumbling. It took him a moment to realize that it was actually a deep and powerful-sounding voice, the kind of voice a mountain would have if it could speak. The voice boomed, ‘Fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a Hylian man.’ At that moment, for the first time ever, Jack felt terror.”

“What does terror feel like?”

“You’ve been afraid, right?” Link asked. “After a nightmare.”

Piper nodded. “I don’t like that at all. My stomach hurts and I can’t breath very well.”

“Terror is a lot worse. All the hairs on your body stand on end and your heart refuses to slow down. You feel cold all over and your brain seems to slow down. You can’t focus on anything and you can lose control over your ability to speak and move.”

“Have you ever felt terror, Daddy?”

Link smiled and stroked his daughter’s hair. “Every time I worry about your safety.”

“Really?” Piper asked.

Link grinned. “Well, maybe not every time, but certainly for anything serious. I don’t like being scared, so I tend not to worry.” He stopped smiling and a rather grim expression crossed his face. “I was so terrified when Mommy’s water broke a month early. I was certain we were going to lose you before I even got to know you.”

“But you didn’t.”

“And for that I thank the goddesses everyday.” Link said, tapping Piper’s nose.

“Why did Mommy’s water break? How does it break? And does water break very often?”

“When someone’s water breaks it means that they’re going to give birth very soon. You can tell that it’s happened because a pregnant woman suddenly has a puddle at her feet that wasn’t there before. As for why it happened, that’s a story for another day.”

“Oh,” Piper said, ingesting the information.

“So Jack stood in the center of the hall frozen in terror. Suddenly he was grabbed and pulled off to the side of the hall into a room. Well, it was room for someone of your or Jack’s height, for me it would have been a tight fit height-wise and compared to the rest of the room, it was the tiniest of cracks.”

“Who grabbed him?”

“The Oocca. Three of them. One covered Jack’s mouth with a wing to keep him from speaking. Jack could see massive feet as long as a school bus stomp past his hidey hole. The tremors caused by the feet caused Jack to fly up from the floor. A minute after the feet disappeared, the tremors lessened and the Ooccas relaxed.”

“Was it a giant?”

“That’s what Jack asked. He had never seen one and no one he knew had ever seen one, but there had always been stories of them. The Ooccas told him that he was right, it was a giant. The giant had suddenly crawled up onto their floating city a decade ago when the city’s migration route brought them by the tallest peak of the Death Mountain range.”

“That’s in the dragon sanctuary!”

“Yes, you’re right, but this was before the pact between the dragons and the Hyrulean Royal family was made. Giants still roamed those mountains and this was the biggest one ever found. He took the city from the Oocca and made it into his own personal castle, eating Oocca whenever he found them, for there wasn’t any food supply that could sustain the giant.”

“That’s awful!”

“That’s what the Oocca said. They told Jack he should get out of the city and go back to wherever he came from before he was caught and eaten.”

“He should save the Oocca!”

“He wanted to, but remember that Jack is still only a little boy and it would be a difficult job from a group of trained professionals. Remember, this is one of the biggest giants that ever lived.”

“Right.”

“So Jack tried to find a way off the city, however, the only way off seemed to be a great drop. He spent a day and a night searching and on his search he met many small groups of Oocca all living in small holes like the one he had been pulled into. They were living off mushrooms and seeds, all regretful of ever going near Death Mountain. Once upon a time they all had great technology at their wing tips, but now it was lost to the giant.”

“What kind of technology?”

“I can’t even pretend to describe it. Mommy has a diplomatic visit to the Sky City in a couple months. I’m certain we can go along and you can see for yourself,” Link said.

“Cool!” Piper said excitedly.

“After meeting all these Oocca, Jack realized there were too many lives at stake for him to just leave the Sky City. He needed to help, but how?”

“Poison the giant?”

“That’s a good suggestion, but Jack knew nothing about poisons and since the only food the giant ate was Oocca or Hylians, that wasn’t an option,” Link said. “But he did come up with a decent plan after seeing the clawshot, an ancient magical tool the Oocca possessed.”

“What’s a clawshot?”

“It’s like a hookshot in that it’s a small handheld tool that when you press a button a hook shoots out and grasps onto something, then pulls the user to wherever the hook had connected,” Link explained. “Hookshots primarily work on wood and were created before the Hero of Time was born. Clawshots have more prongs that attach to metal and stone instead of wood and are a more recent invention. That’s right, clawshots are of Oocca origin, so that’s a piece of technology you could see if we went with Mommy.”

“What was the plan?”

“Jack was going to be bait. He would lead the giant down a specific hallway where the Oocca would have set up a clawshot line across the hallway, by locking the handle of the tool to one wall and firing it. This line would trip the giant and since clawshot chains are made of extremely strong alloy, force him to fall and slide off Sky City.”

“But wouldn’t that be really dangerous for Jack?”

“It would, but Jack was willing to take the risk to save his new friends. At dawn they put the plan in motion in hopes that the lack of proper light would hide the trap. Jack appeared in front of the giant when the monster was near the corridor because Jack knew he could not outrun him. With a ‘fe fi fo fum’ the giant charged him. Jack ran. He didn’t have to run far, only a few yards to pass under the chain but he was nearly caught.”

“But he wasn’t caught.”

“No he wasn’t, but the giant did trip and he fell and he slid,” Link said. “He didn’t even have time to grab at anything before he went over the edge headfirst. That was the last Jack or the Oocca saw of the giant, but we still have signs of the giant. The vast drop at Zora Falls was caused by his fall.”

“Wow,” Piper breathed. “That’s amazing!”

“It is. There used to be a series of short drops and islands in the river’s source before he fell,” Link said. “Jack was the savior of the Oocca. For his trouble Jack received a lesser clawshot, for the one they had used belonged to the Hero of Twilight, and all travel rights to Sky City by cannon. His descendents still control cannon travel and everyone who visits Sky City uses their services.”

“Even Mommy?” Piper asked.

“Well, as queen Mommy’s a special case,” Link said. “Other arrangements are made for her. But in my younger days I traveled there once by cannon. It is not a pleasant experience. At least it’s quick. That was the story of Jack and the Giant Cannon. Now go to sleep, my sweet Pipes, and I promise I’ll ask Mommy about us all visiting Sky City together tomorrow morning.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too Piper.”

When Link made it to the private hallway reserved for the royal family before they made their grand entrance at any event in the grand ballroom, he found Zelda pacing. She smiled when she saw Link, but then frowned when she noticed his tie. Obviously she had forgotten what it was like putting their daughter to bed.

“Oh Link,” she sighed, already reaching for his neck. “What did you do to your tie?”

“Piper wanted to try it on,” Link said, automatically bending down so that his wife had better access. “You know, it’s unfair that I spent all the way from Piper’s room to here trying to fix this bloody tie, but you tied it better than I ever managed to in only a few seconds.”

“It’s a gift,” Zelda said, patting Link’s chest. “Luckily you’ve got me to tie your ties.”

“Yes, I get to be bored out of my mind in a fabulously tied tie making small talk with a bunch of vapid nobles.”

“You promised to behave.”

“I promised no such thing. You have extracted promises related to our wedding anniversary celebrations, the anniversary to your ascension to the throne, and for the Winter Solstice Ball, but I have never agreed to behave for the Spring Formal.”

“It’s called the First Leap of Spring Ball,” Zelda said, smoothing and readjusting Link’s cummerbund. “You know that.”

“I know I don’t belong.”

“Of course you do; you’re my husband.”

“It’s times like these when I wish you had taken your great aunt’s advice and married that duke of Termina.”

“What do you want to trade for good behavior?”

“I want you to put the kibosh on anymore state celebrations for the day of my birth. We don’t even know if that’s the proper date.”

“You’re going to make me make promises for every event, aren’t you?”

“You know it,” Link said. “I need to milk the only reward I get from these horrors to the best of my ability.”

“You know it may be impossible for me to put a halt on all celebration,” Zelda said. “The people really like you and they might think our marriage was breaking up if I suddenly refused to acknowledge your special day.”

A Sheikah guard suddenly appeared kneeling before Zelda. “Your Majesty,” he said, bowing his head, “it is time.”

Link bit his lip. “At least cut out all the balls and formal events, let me make up my own events. I fell asleep in my soup last year while that earl went on and on about how great I am.”

“You did nearly drown,” Zelda conceded. “Deal.”

They kissed, sealing the deal. Then Link offered her his right arm. She accepted it gladly. She leaned on him lightly, glad for his continuous support. They walked down the hall past the several guards toward the double doors that opened onto the great staircase, leading into the grand ballroom.

“You look dashing,” she said, as a pair of guards opened the doors.

“I look like a dweeb in a monkey suit,” Link said under his breath as they were announced. “You’re lucky I love you.”

A smile spread over Zelda’s face that was noticeable even from the back of the ballroom, which was more than large enough to comfortably contain the giant from Piper’s story. That smile set more than a few noble tongues a wagging.

“You’re right,” Zelda said, as they descended the stairs to her waiting subjects. “I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of these days Link will have to learn how to tie his own bowtie.


	6. Peach Boy

“Daddy, what happened to your eye?”

“Mommy kicked me in the eye,” Link said, sitting down next to Piper’s bed.

“Why did Mommy kick you in the eye?” Piper asked.

“She was aiming for my jaw and missed.”

“Why did Mommy want to kick you in the jaw?”

“We were sparring and well, as usual, I forgot she has three black belts,” Link said. He winced as his black eye throbbed in pain. Zelda had nearly knocked him out when she hit him. “Mommy forgot that I’m a lover, not a fighter. She always forgets to hold back in a fight, which is why Impa is training you instead of Mommy.”

“Oh,” Piper said. “Does that mean Mommy wouldn’t go easy on me either?”

“She might, but she also might forget she was fighting you,” Link said. He refrained from mentioning that Zelda had woken up crying every night for a week after they decided Piper needed self-defense training because she had dreamed of accidentally snapping her daughter’s neck. Piper didn’t also need the nightmare. “Mommy doesn’t want to take that chance.”

“Was she sorry she kicked you in the eye?”

“Very much so,” Link said. “Now for tonight’s story. How about the tale of Momotaro?”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a Japanese fairytale. It’s a pretty good story and I’m certain you haven’t heard it before,” Link said.

“Then tell it!”

“I will,” Link laughed. “Once upon a time there was an old couple. They had always wanted to have children, but never managed it. So while they were perfectly happy and content with each other’s company, they always wished for something a little more.”

“Was it because they were two men or two women that they couldn’t have children?” Piper asked.

“No,” Link said. “They were a man and a woman, but the old man had been badly wounded when he was young, so he couldn’t have any children.”

“What kind of wound makes it so you can’t have kids?”

“A very serious one,” Link said.

“So when Volvagia bit the Hero of Time on the shoulder and gave him a serious wound, that’s why he didn’t marry Princess Zelda?” Piper asked excitedly. She liked connecting her stories together. “Because he knew he couldn’t have kids and the princess would need an heir?”

“We don’t know who fathered Queen Linnea,” Link said slowly. “There is also a very hot debate between scholars on whether or not Sheik was a person in his own right or if the Hero of Time was a homosexual. There’s also a debate over whether the first great queen of our land was a cross-dresser or a transsexual… I guess this really depends on which leg of the trouser of time we live inside that determines who the Hero of Time ended up with.”

“What do trousers have to do with who the Hero of Time married?”

“The time travel that occurs in the Hero of Time’s story caused a rift in time and space, or the Trousers of Time effect, where two parallel worlds form from some crazy event. We live in one of those parallel worlds, the one where the Hero of Time succeeded in his mission and set it so the seven years of torture that Ganon caused never happened.”

“I guess I understand that pants part now, but what does it have to do with Hero of Time’s serious wound that made it so he couldn’t have kids?”

“The Hero of Time had suffered a serious shoulder wound. A serious would in that area could kill a man, but it wouldn’t stop him from having children unless it did manage to kill him,” Link said, uncertain how close to sexual education he wanted to get. “This will all make a lot more sense after you read the unabridged version of _Ocarina of Time_ in Old Hylian. But now we should really get back to the story.”

“Right. So what happened to the old couple?”

“One day while the old woman was washing clothes in the river, a giant peach floated downstream and bumped into her. The peach was so massive it knocked her over into the water and if she hadn’t still been surprisingly quick and agile she would have lost the peach.”

“The peach was really that big?”

“Oh yes, it was far bigger than the pumpkins farmer Bippin grows that win the farmer’s market contests every year.” Link said, waving his hands as if to outline the massive pumpkin. “And it was so heavy that the old woman had to roll it home. When she finally made it home and met up with the old man, she declared that they were having the peach for dinner.”

“Only peach for dinner?” Piper asked, wrinkling her nose. “Nothing else?”

“Peach was fairly rare for the couple. They mostly had rice and pickled veggies for dinner, so peach was a lovely treat.”

“Was it tasty?”

“It was absolutely delicious. They ate the entire peach down to the pit and then decided to plant the pit, which was as large as a cantaloupe, so that they could have peaches in the future. However, on the way out of the house, the old man dropped the pit. It split in two, revealing a small baby boy.”

“How could a peach pit contain a baby?”

“Fruits are considered seeds to life, so I guess in this case, this obviously magical peach bore a seed that gave birth to human life. However the boy ended up in the peach, the couple was ecstatic to have him out of it. They named him Momotaro, which means ‘Peach Boy’ in Japanese, and raised him as their own.”

“I wouldn’t have liked being named Peach Boy,” Piper said.

“You’re right, Peach Girl would have suited you much better,” Link said, grinning. “It would certainly be more accurate.”

“No Daddy! I wouldn’t have wanted to be named after a fruit!” She rubbed her hands in his bangs in an attempt to mess up his already messy hairdo. She did this sometimes when she wanted to express her displeasure in her father.

“I think there are some lovely fruits or plants out there we could have named you after,” Link said. “You very nearly ended up as Willowwind; a good traditional name that I’m rather fond of. However, when I held you in my arms, I knew you weren’t a Willow.”

“So how did I end up as a Piper?” Piper asked.

“Well, it wasn’t because I had recently read the _Pied Piper of Hamlin_ ,” Link laughed.

“ _The Pied Piper of Hamlin_?” Piper asked.

“I’ve never told you that tale? Then I’ll have to tell it soon. Now where was I? Oh right, the first time I held you it was… magical. I got lost in your little sparkling eyes. Mommy asked me what I wanted to name you and the name ‘Piper’ just came to me.”

“Didn’t Mommy get a say in my name?”

“Yes. She gave you your middle name, but she decided that it was important that I got to give you your name. Proof that you’re mine, or something in relation to power of attorney and governmental control if anything ever happens to your mother. Not that it will,” Link said. _‘Goddesses know I’m the last person who should be in charge of running the country… actually, that’s not true. Most of the courtiers would be far worse rulers then I would be. I’d barely keep the country together, but the others would tear it to shreds.’_

“Well I like it better than any other name you could have given me!”

“I like it too,” Link said. “But Piper was not a name suitable for Momotaro. He grew up happily with his parents. When he was about fifteen, that happiness ended.”

“What happened?”

“A terrible band of oni, demons, flew through the village Momotaro and his parents lived in. They destroyed the houses and ruined the crops. They caused the river to flood and set the forest on fire. Worst of all, the oni kidnapped all the little children of the village. Some would be eaten and others would also be turned into oni.”

“That’s terrible!” Piper paused and blinked. A new thought had occurred to her. “Does that mean the oni were cannibals?”

“Only some oni were once human. Some of the oni had been other types of animals and others had never been anything but oni, but each of them had lost every shred of their former lives. The act of cannibalism itself will turn some men into monsters,” Link said. “In other cases, it is a deeply spiritual religious rite that I am eternally grateful we do not practice.”

“Is eating flesh that bad?”

“Technically, we all eat flesh, since all meat is the flesh of some animal or another,” Link said carefully. He had a learning experience in his hands and he didn’t want to bungle it. “And while Mommy and Daddy believe in eating animal flesh, as long as the animal was honored of its sacrifice, there are others, like Aunty Ria, who do not believe in taking the life of any sentient creature. People like Aunty Ria are called vegetarians. Some people do not believe in even consuming animal products and those people are called vegans.”

“I don’t want to kill animals,” Piper said, clearly distressed. “I don’t want to hurt anybody!”

“In that case, you can make the decision to stop eating meat,” Link almost whispered. “No one would ever force you to go against your beliefs, Pipes, but if you can’t accept the sacrifice of the animals that feed you, you shouldn’t be eating their meat.”

“But I also like meat,” Piper moaned. “Especially bacon.”

“Which is why we thank the animals for their gifts,” Link said, pulling his daughter into his lap. “When the idea of mass slaughterhouses first came to this country, your great great grandmother outlawed them immediately because they went against everything our country believes. Slaughterhouses do not provide a micron of respect for the animals, nor do they provide good living conditions for the animals we eat. Without a proper respect for nature and all living beings, we lose a core tenant of our culture.”

“Is most of our meat wild?”

“Some of it, but most of the meat we eat on a regular basis is raised on farms by farmers who care for their animals all their life,” Link said. “As it is, most of our people eat less meat than we do. One of the perks, or problems, with Mommy’s job means that we have meat in most of our meals. If you would prefer to stop eating meat, I could easily talk to the cooks.”

“I need to think about it,” Piper said. “Can you tell me what happened to the children?”

“I’m getting there. Momotaro was one of the few children left in the village because at the time, fifteen was considered an adult in Japan. And no, you will not be considered an adult when you turn fifteen, so don’t even ask.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Good. So Momotaro declared that he was going to rescue the kidnapped children because they were his friends and family. His parents begged him not to go because they loved him dearly and he was the best thing in their life.”

“Just like I am for you and Mommy?”

“Exactly the way you are for me and Mommy. Since the old couple couldn’t convince Momotaro to stay, the old man gave Momotaro his old sword from his days as a soldier, and the old woman gave him a bag of freshly cooked dumplings that were supposed to be the family’s meal for the week. Momotaro hugged and kissed his parents goodbye then set forth to Oni Island, which is where all the oni lived and where the children would be kept.”

“Shouldn’t the oni live somewhere less obvious?”

“Besides being cruel and evil, the oni were very lazy, so if there was already an island named after them and set aside for them, the oni felt it was the perfect place to live. The point is that Momotaro set out for Oni Island and since this was a very long time ago, Momotaro had to walk to reach it. The trip there from his village would take several days.”

“So what happened while Momotaro was walking?”

“What makes you think something happened while he was walking?” Link asked. “His walk that day was completely uneventful. That night he set up camp, and after starting a fire, he put one of his dumplings on a stone right next to the flames to heat it up. As it heated, Momotaro could smell just how delicious it was, and his mouth began to water. Suddenly, a dog appeared on the other side of the fire.”

“What kind of dog was it?”

“A big white fuzzy one. It looked a little like a wolf and probably weighed as much as Momotaro did. The dog sat down and wagged his tail at the boy. Feeling a little nervous, but very excited, to meet this big fluffy dog, Momotaro offered the dog his newly cooked dumpling. The dog carefully accepted the bun from the boy’s hand and gobbled it up. Then the dog thanked him and swore to serve Momotaro because the lad was the kindest person he had ever met.”

“Wasn’t the dog’s loyalty a little too easily bought?”

“Samurai have sold themselves for less. Momotaro was thrilled to have a new companion. The second day went much better with the dog at his side. The white dog taught him many things about tracking and the forest. That evening, the boy and dog sat down to enjoy more dumplings. Just as Momotaro was about to bite into the dumpling he had heated for himself, a… a…” Link trailed off. He had forgotten the rest of the story.

“A what?” Piper asked.

_‘Oh Farore, this isn’t a hard fairytale to remember, but I can’t remember what happens next,’_ Link thought despairingly. He stared down at her inquisitive face. _‘I’m going to have to make it up.’_

“A what, Daddy?”

“A bird, a-a hawk, swooped down and plucked the dumpling right out of his hands. The bird landed on a nearby tree branch and ate the purloined bun before Momotaro could even blink.”

“Did he also sell out for a dumpling?”

“No. As a hawk, she was a proud creature. She observed from up on her branch. The dog felt that the hawk was looking down on his master, and so he went on the attack. However, the dog’s power was ineffective against the hawk’s ability of flight. She would just dive-bomb the dog and retreat to the safety of the treetops before the pooch could even react.”

“That isn’t right.”

“Momotaro agreed with your assessment. He stood by the dog and pulled out his father’s sword. When she lunged for the dog again Momotaro hit the hawk with the flat of his blade and knocked her into a tree trunk. The dog pounced on the hawk and held her in his jaws. Momotaro demanded to know why she attacked them.”

“Why did she attack them? It seemed unprovoked.”

“She didn’t like the way the lowly dog treated her and she wanted to punish him for it. She did admit that Momotaro was a strong warrior and swore that if he spared her life she would become his vassal. Momotaro readily agreed to these terms because he didn’t want to see the hawk die, even if the dog did. They sealed their pack with another round of dumplings.”

“Did they then reach Oni Island?” Piper asked.

“Not quite,” Link said. _‘What’s the third companion? Things always go in threes. I need a third companion.’_

“Did Momotaro meet another companion when he set up camp?”

“Yes, but it was at the edge of the sea, right by Oni Island. There Momotaro and company ran into… a dizzy kangaroo.”

“A kangaroo?” Piper said, laughing. “But kangaroos aren’t in Japan.”

“Oh, but this was a special kangaroo,” Link said, thinking fast. “It’s true that he was originally from Australia, but he was a special breed of kangaroo. He was a Tornado Kangaroo, a breed that has since died out. But before that happened, one of them befriended the Hero of Seasons.”

“Ricky was a Tornado Kangaroo?”

“Oh yes. The specialty of the Tornado Kangaroo was that their punches, used their paws instead of their feet like traditional kangaroos do,” Link said, demonstrating the traditional kangaroo kick with his own feet, “generate winds. The greater the punch, the greater the wind. During mating season, Tornado Kangaroos box each other, and generate massive storms to try and beat their opponents. In this poor kangaroo’s case—and the same holds true for Ricky—he was fighting another roo way out of his league. That stronger kangaroo generated a wind so great that it became a hurricane and blew that dizzy kangaroo all the way to Japan.”

“What happened to the Tornado Kangaroos?”

“I don’t know enough about Australia’s history to tell you, Pipes. I just know they’re gone now,” Link said. “Momotaro steadied the dizzy roo and gave him a dumpling. The kangaroo was so grateful for Momotaro’s compassion that he joined the party.”

“This is sounding like a video game,” Piper giggled.

“You’re right, it does,” Link agreed. He had never noticed that before. “So, the dog, the hawk, and the kangaroo all became great friends, even though dingoes, which are cousins of the dog, are mortal enemies of the kangaroo and the dog and hawk hadn’t exactly gotten off on the right foot.”

“So they went to Oni Island now?”

“Yes. They found a great ship that swiftly carried them to Oni Island. Once on the island, they were launched into battle. The hawk pecked out the eyes of the oni to blind them. The dog grew in size and ripped the oni limb from limb. The kangaroo punched and kicked, sending the oni flying into the sea via whirlwinds. Momotaro did his best to avoid fighting because he had a more important mission. He found all the children and led them back to the boat.”

“Where they all still alive and still children?”

“Yes. The oni were saving them for a feast, but never got a chance to eat any. Momotaro gave a great whistle, calling dog, hawk, and kangaroo back to his side on the boat. Then the group fled the island.”

“Did the oni follow them?”

“No! They were so surprised by their complete and utter defeat that all the remaining oni hid on their island. In time Momotaro and his animals became great monsters in oni lore and were used to frighten little oni into acting wicked the way all proper oni should.”

That made Piper laugh. “But Momotaro was the good guy!”

“Not to the oni. Momotaro kept that ship, and with the help of his animals and the other children, he sailed all the way back to their home village. When they returned home, all the parents were happily reunited with their children and Momotaro became a hero.”

“And they all lived happily ever after?” Piper asked.

“More or less,” Link said cheerfully. “Any questions, Pipes?”

“Do the animals we eat feel a lot of pain?”

“As little as possible, my dearest. We don’t want to torture those that provide for us a most basic necessity.”

“And you won’t be mad if I decide not to eat meat anymore?” Piper asked.

“No,” Link said. “I love you far too much to care about your dietary preferences, although I want you to continue to eat your veggies. Good night Pipes.”

After completing the final nightly bedtime rituals, Link shut the door and went to his shared bedroom. When he found it devoid of wife, he said something he wouldn’t want Piper to hear and left.

He found Zelda still busily working on paperwork in her office. There were times when he had greatly appreciated that massive mahogany desk, but he never liked it when Zelda was chained to it by work. Especially when it was after Piper’s bedtime.

“Oh Zelly, this has been a bad day,” Link said, dropping onto the couch.

He was lucky that for once Zelda hadn’t covered it with papers and law books. Then again, Link had just refiled all the literature Zelda had piled there this morning in hopes that he could have some quality time with his wife. It hadn’t happened.

“I am sorry about your eye,” Zelda said, not looking up from what she was writing.

“Well, besides the spousal abuse you just mentioned, I think I managed to turn our daughter into a vegetarian.”

Zelda dropped the scroll she had been examining and stared at Link. “How in Naryu’s name did you manage that?”

“We were talking about cannibalism and that diverged into vegetarianism.”

“I’m not even going to ask how you got onto the topic of cannibalism. What happened next?”

“I told her about Saria and the fact she doesn’t believe in killing animals for food. Piper, bless her heart, doesn’t want to harm anyone or anything, so now she’s considering vegetarianism.”

“Well… it might make things a little more difficult,” Zelda sighed. She leaned on her desk and rubbed her temples. “It’s a good thing Piper’s favorite food is macaroni and cheese.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Give her a week and if she still doesn’t want meat, we’ll have to accept the fact that our daughter is a vegetarian. It will take a little time to get used to this fact, but we have to allow her to express herself.”

“She’s never going to eat my burgers again.”

“I’m certain that if she does decide to remain a vegetarian, you’ll learn how to make wonderful tofu burgers,” Zelda said. “Now let me see that eye!”

Two weeks later, Link and Piper found themselves taking part in a tour of a pig farm. After the tour ended, they had some delicious pork ribs. This had all precipitated due to several failed attempts on Link’s part to make delicious tofu burgers. He had made many amazing creations out of tofu over that two-week period, but somehow burgers escaped him. Zelda was right; just not about Link’s cooking abilities.


	7. The Pied Piper of Hamelin

“Piper?” Link groaned.

“Zelda, Link. It’s Zelda,” Zelda muttered, snuggling into her husband’s side more deeply.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Link grumbled, finally starting to wake up.

“Daddy,” Piper repeated, tugging on Link’s hand. “I’m scared.”

“What’s scaring you, Pipes?” he asked, sitting up and rubbing his forehead. Zelda growled at the sudden lack of warmth.

“There are monsters in my room.”

“Monsters? How did you manage to get monsters in your room?”

“You’ve been gone and Impa refuses to check for monsters,” Piper said heatedly. She had worked herself into such a state that Link feared she would cry. A clap of thunder sounded and the tears began to roll. “Now there’s a storm and the monsters are gonna eat me!”

“You were a very brave girl for coming to find us, Piper,” Link said soothingly as he pulled his little girl into his arms. “Do you want to sleep with Mommy and me?”

He felt her nod her response. A moment later Link realized she was not only dribbling tears on her, but mucus too.

_‘Ish, Pipes,’_ he thought, leaning over Zelda to grab the box of Kleenexes off her nightstand. Link plucked one of the tissues and held it to her nose.

“Blow,” he said.

  


She did as she was told. They repeated the process three or four more times. When he thought he had cleaned her out he turned to his own chest and cleaned that up too.

By this point Zelda was awake and watching the proceedings with interest. She petted her daughter’s hair as Link disposed of the refuse. When he crawled back into bed, Zelda reached over and pulled him into a hug.

“This isn’t so bad now,” Link said brightly. “Storms aren’t scary when you’re safely inside and have someone to hold you. As for monsters, well, Mommy’s physical and magical prowess are so magnificent I don’t even have to bat an eyelash.”

“If I’m so amazing in every single way, what am I doing with you?” Zelda asked, tapping his chest.

“As you can see,” Link said, pulling Piper down so that she was nestled between her parents, “I’m very pretty and I produce healthy spermatozoa.”

“What’s spermatozoa?” Piper asked.

Link and Zelda glanced at each other. Zelda raised her eyebrows and gave him the look. He brought it up, so he had to explain it.

“Spermatozoa is the bit of me that I gave Mommy to make you,” Link said carefully. “To make a baby you need a mommy, like Mommy, and some spermatozoa, which daddies, like me, make.”

“How do you make it?”

“It’s a secretion, like boogers, or sweat, or spit.”

“I’m made of boogers?” Piper wrinkled her nose.

“No honey, you’re made of sugars and spice and everything nice,” Link grinned, tapping her nose. “Because that’s what little girls are made of.”

“Or rather lipids, carbohydrates, proteins, and nucleic acids,” Zelda said softly. “That’s what carbon based organisms are made of.”

“Shush you.”

As if sensing this bickering could turn into a serious argument, Piper decided to ask Link to tell her a story. The last thing anyone in that bed wanted was an argument.

“What kind of story do you want to hear?” Link asked.

“Something exciting.”

“But it can’t be too long, because we have to get up in the morning,” Zelda said. “It’s way past our bedtimes.”

“Short and exciting,” Link mused out loud. “What do I know that’s short and exciting?”

“You could tell her about the first time you met Grandpa,” Zelda said, referring to her father.

“That wasn’t exciting, nor was it short.”

“What about that story you mentioned before you left?” Piper asked. “That one I wasn’t named after?”

“He didn’t want to leave you, Piper,” Zelda said. “Daddy doesn’t have a normal job. That means I sometimes have to send him across the country for a few days. He goes to make certain the Crown’s business is being conducted properly.”

“You send Daddy away? But why? Don’t you like him?”

“She more than likes me; she loves me,” Link said easily. “More importantly, she sends me because she trusts me and she knows I’ll get the job done better and faster than anyone else.”

“But she makes you go away.”

“Only because she knows I’d go stir crazy if I had to spend every day for the rest of my life in court with our noble weasels.”

“They’re noblemen, Link,” Zelda said.

“I stand by my statement.”

“But what about me?” Piper asked. “Aren’t I enough for you, Daddy?”

“If I could, I would spend every moment of every day with you. I’d take you on my trips and we would explore together, but that would leave Mommy all alone and she would be sad.”

“Mommy wouldn’t be sad,” Piper said. “She doesn’t spend any time with me anyway. Impa tucked me in while you were gone and she doesn’t read me stories.”

Link frowned. He hadn’t expected that.

“Well, whether or not Impa reads you stories, I’ll tell you one,” he said. “It’s called the Pied Piper of Hamelin.”

Piper settled down when she heard this. She lay her head against his chest and Link wrapped an arm around her. Zelda rested her head on his shoulder and slipped her arm next to Link’s along Piper’s side.

“There was a little town in Germany called Hamelin. In the 13th century, that would be the 1200s—”

“Why is it called the 13th century if it’s the 1200s?” Piper asked. “Twelve and thirteen aren’t the same.”

“Let’s say we had the year 73. What century is that in?”

“The…” Piper trailed off. “Zeroth century?”

“It’s the first century,” Zelda said. “That’s because a century is a hundred years and 73 is one of the first hundred years of the current era, the point in time that we chose to count from, so 73 is part of the first century. By that logic the year 102 is part of the second century, 521 is part of the sixth century, and 2005 is part of the twenty-first century.”

“I was born in 2005,” Piper said excitedly.

“You were,” Link agreed, “but the only thing being born in Hamelin was rats. As the poet Robert Browning once wrote: Rats! They fought the dogs, and killed the cats, And bit the babies in the cradles. Needless to say, they were out of control.”

“I wouldn’t want to be bit by a rat.”

“Neither would I,” Zelda said. “What happened next, Daddy?”

“The people couldn’t stand all the rats. They tried everything: cats, dogs, poison. None of it worked. The rats continued to decimate their grain supply. It got so bad the townspeople feared they had to leave their homes.”

“Where does the Piper fit in?” Piper asked.

“Hush Pipes, I’m getting to him. On the night of the town meeting, the meeting where they would decide Hamelin’s fate, a man appeared. He wore a multicolored costume full of reds, yellows, and greens. A hat with a giant feather obscured his face and in his hands he held a flute.”

“He was the Pied Piper?”

That’s what he introduced himself as. He offered to free Hamelin of all the rats, for a price. The townsmen agreed, but with one stipulation; they wouldn’t pay him until after the work was done.”

“What’s a stipulation?”

“It’s a condition, or a counter-request,” Zelda said.

Piper just stared at her mother.

“Pipes, you know that we want you in bed by a certain time at night, right?” Link said. “But in exchange you get a story before you have to go to sleep.”

Piper nodded. “But Impa refused to tell me any stories!”

“I know, and clearly that was because you have that agreement with me, not Impa. My point is that we have you go to bed at a certain time. In exchange for your cooperation you have stipulated that we must give you a story. Since we have accepted that condition, you get bedtime stories. Does that make sense?”

“This is like when the king in the Twelve Dancing Princesses said that the soldier would get his head cut off if he failed?”

“Yes, exactly. The Pied Piper agreed to these terms and the next morning he set out to rid Hamelin of rats.”

“How did the Piper do that?” Zelda asked.

Link continued the story as if he hadn’t heard her. “At dawn the Piper stood at the highest point of Hamelin, and that was the tippy top point of the tallest church spire.”

“Spire?” Piper asked.

“Tower. As soon as he felt the sun’s rays grace his face, the Piper lifted his flute to his lips. A haunting melody resounded through the town. The sound seemed to slip into every nook and cranny so that everything in Hamelin heard the Piper play. Rats exited into the street en masse. Hundreds, no thousands, of rats poured out of the most unimaginable places. Beds, cupboards, the floors, the ceilings, the walls. Why, one little girl had a rat crawl out of her dolly.”

Piper shivered. “Are there rats in my dolls? What about my stuffed animals?”

“We have carefully examined all of your toys to make certain they are 100% rat free.”

“When did you last check?”

“It wasn’t that long ago,” Link said, scratching the back of his head.

“Will you check tomorrow?”

“If you want me to, I’ll check all of them tomorrow, Pipers. You’ve got to remember though, we don’t live in Hamelin and we don’t have a rat problem.”

“But…”

“Daddy will still examine everything for you, Piper, because he doesn’t want you to worry,” Zelda said. Link said nothing until Piper asked him for confirmation. This made Zelda glare at him. She didn’t like being ignored.

“When the streets appeared to be made of squirming rat, the Piper began to move. He leapt down from the spire onto the church roof and from there he jumped onto a house roof. From there he jumped from rooftop to rooftop in a constant direction. The rats surged behind him like water bursting through a dam. The town lawyer tried to join the chase, but his wife held him back.”

Zelda poked Link’s cheek. “That’s mean.”

“I don’t understand,” Piper said. “Why would the Town Lawyer want to join the rats?”

“Daddy’s calling the lawyer a rat.”

“They had a giant rat for a lawyer?”

“That would be an accurate description, yes,” Link said.

Zelda poked him again. “You know I went to law school.”

“Did he have huge ears and a tail?” Piper asked.

“He was human,” Zelda said. “Or perhaps an elf. When Daddy says that he was a rat, he means that he had rat-like qualities. That means he was probably a nasty and untrustworthy man. By this statement, Daddy is also saying that all lawyers are like this, which simply isn’t true.”

“So the lawyer wasn’t really a rat,” Piper said slowly. “He just acted like one. Did he steal grain too?”

“Yes he did,” Link said. “Still, the Piper wasn’t hired to rid Hamelin of lawyers, although that might have been a better use of money, so the pull on the Town Lawyer wasn’t that strong. The other rats didn’t fare so well. The Piper led the rats to the river and hopped across it. The rats charged into the river in hopes of reaching the Piper, but the river was so ferocious and wild that they all drowned. Hundreds of rats followed the ones before them into the water to their doom.”

“Why didn’t they stop?”

“They were enchanted to blindly follow the Piper.”

“What happened to the rats’ bodies?”

“Their little bodies washed downstream for a hundred miles and washed ashore in a small kingdom plagued by famine. The rats saved the lives of the entire populace.”

“They ate the rats?”

“Oh yes. Rat stew, rat roast, rat pie, rat burger, rat popcorn… the list goes on and on. They ate a lot of rat and to this day they have a yearly celebration to remember the feast of rats.”

“That sounds gross.”

“It’s quite tasty, I assure you,” Link said cheerfully. “Remind me to make you a rat roast the next time we go camping.”

Piper vigorously shook her head.

Link laughed again. “With his task done the Piper returned to Hamelin to receive his pay.”

“I bet they gave him a lotta money and half the town for saving them. That’s what princes get when they save people.”

“The town didn’t give him a single rupee. They had just lost their granary to the rats and told the Piper they didn’t have any money to spare if they wanted to buy enough food to survive the winter.”

“They’re cheaters!”

“The Piper told them just that. He also yelled and raged at the townspeople and told them they’d regret valuing their gold above his services.”

“What did he do?”

“He left. A month later, after the people of Hamelin had almost forgotten him, a melodic melody meandered through the streets.”

“Melodic melody meandered?”

“Try saying that three times fast.”

“But what does it mean, Daddy?”

“Pleasant-sounding song wandered through the streets. Once the children of Hamelin heard it, they dropped their toys and work. They ran out laughing and giggling in the streets to follow the Piper. He led them down the road and up the hill. They waltzed into a lit-up cave that had never been there before and as soon as the last child of the group entered, the Piper followed suit. When the last of his colors faded into the light the cave shut and any signs of it ever existing disappeared. One hundred and thirty children, almost the entire youth population of Hamelin, vanished that very day.”

“Almost the entire population?”

“One little lame boy couldn’t follow the others. He tried to keep up, but with the lack of useable legs he was left behind. For the rest of his life he regretted not being able to follow the music.”

“Was it really that great?”

“I guess it was. The people pleaded and begged for the Piper to return—for he was clearly a magical being—but he never did. Not hide nor hair of any child that followed the Piper’s Danse Macabre was ever seen again.”

“Danse Macabre?”

“Dance of Death. Most of the villagers believed the children were led to their death. Others believed they were led into the land of the fey to live as children forever.”

“But we don’t live forever! We grow up!”

“But the Kokiri don’t. They forever remain children and they live for hundreds if years, as long as the trees do. I believe they are referencing the Kokiri.”

“I know the Piper was mad, but why did he steal the children?”

“Powerful beings like demons and gods give severe lessons when they’re wronged. In the case of the townsmen of Hamelin, they were taught what can happen when you value your gold over your word of honor. When you break your word, you lose everything, Pipes.”

“I’ll remember that, Daddy,” Piper said solemnly.

“What you should remember is to never make promises you can’t keep,” Link said gently. “That philosophy has served me well in life and it will do the same for you, Pipes.”

“I promise to follow it, Daddy. I promise to do my best.”

“That’s all anyone can ever expect of you.”

Link kissed her forehead and just held her. Piper’s breathing eventually slowed and deepened. Some time after it was clear she was asleep Zelda spoke.

“You’re mad at me,” she said.

“I had the distinct understanding that you would take care of our daughter while I was gone,” he said.

“I did.”

“You were supposed to care for her. Not Impa. Not some attendant. You.”

“I’m sorry Link, but you have no idea how busy I am.”

“Except I do, Zelda. I have been there every step of the way and I have seen just how much of a strain juggling everything is for you. Duty, paperwork, alliances, diplomacy, family… you’re starting to drop the balls, babe.”

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“I know,” Link sighed. “I see three options. You give some of the responsibility to your trusted advisors, or you continue the way things are and have a nervous breakdown.”

“What’s option three?”

“I forcibly remove some of the responsibility.”

“You hate politics.”

“I wasn’t referring to that aspect. If I have to, I’ll take Piper and leave.”

“That isn’t funny, Link.”

“I’m not joking. I can get a place downtown, find a job, and send Piper to school. You’d be welcome any time and I’d show up to obligatory social functions when needed. Our marriage wouldn’t change. You’ll always be my one and only, but this would give Piper a chance to be normal.”

“But she isn’t normal. She’s the crown princess and she needs to grow up to be different, to be a ruler. As for our marriage, what you’re describing is separation, not matrimony.”

“I don’t want you destroying yourself and that’s what you’re trying to do. You’re burning yourself out and neglecting your daughter. Two months ago you didn’t recognize me when I brought you coffee.”

“You can’t move out on me just because of that,” Zelda hissed. “I had been up for thirty hours working on an expense budget.”

“My point exactly. Did you hear what Piper said earlier? She doesn’t think you’d miss her if she was gone.”

“Of course I’d miss her. I love her. I love both of you.”

“But she doesn’t know that because you never spend any time with her. Don’t say it, I know you’re busy, but you’re doing the same thing to her that your father did to you. I refuse to allow my daughter to undergo the same neglect and emotional stunting you did.”

“I don’t want to hurt my daughter and I don’t want you to hurt me.”

“Then change! Relax. Loosen up. Stop worrying.”

“I hate ultimatums.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t think of any other way to make you slow down. Quite frankly, I’m willing to risk making you hate me if it means I can keep both of my girls safe and healthy.”

“Link… he left the country in terrible condition. You have no idea how close to ruin we came.”

“And if you don’t kill yourself with overwork you’ll have decades to work everything out.”

“Link…”

“Say yes. When has saying yes to me ever been a bad idea? You’ve said that choosing me was the best decision of your life.”

“It was.”

“You know I’m not after your money or your power or your fame. I’d much rather you weren’t Queen. A teacher, a cop, a doctor, or even a bloody lawyer, sure, but not Queen.”

“I know.”

“But you are Queen and that’s a part of you I’d never change. If you keep acting so reckless with your health though, Piper will be Queen far sooner than anyone could ever want. I’m not telling you to give it up, far from it. You’re the best person alive for the job. I just want you to slow down. Sleep. Eat. Spend time with your daughter. Then you can go bite heads off military officials.”

Zelda cracked a smile. “I’m not going to get out of this one, am I?”

“I can almost count your ribs through your pajama top.”

“Point taken,” she sighed. “Alright. I promise to eat more, sleep more, and see Piper more.”

“Not good enough.”

“Excuse me?”

“I want you to promise you’ll make certain to eat multiple meals a day and if I have to, I’ll put you to bed before I take care of Piper.”

“You think you can put me to bed?”

Link nodded grimly. “I’m up for the challenge.”

“I won’t be bought off with a story.”

“Then I’ll have to use other methods of persuasion.” He ran a finger down her ribcage, causing a surprised yelp. “Like tickling you into submission.”

“Link.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Zelly,” he said, hugging his wife. “And I always will, even if you don’t have a lick of common sense.”

Zelda kicked her husband soundly in the shin. The bed shook slightly and both adults stilled, worried that they had woken up their child. The fear was unneeded though because Piper slept soundly, safe in the knowledge she had her parents on either side of her.


	8. King Midas

“That isn’t fair, Daddy!”

“What isn’t fair, sweetheart?” Link asked.

“You have more sandwich than I do,” Piper said.

Link glanced down at their plates. He had just cut his grilled cheese sandwich in half, but they both had one and a bowl of tomatoes soup. It was true he was planning on making another sandwich after he finished the first one and he doubted Piper would be able to eat a second one, but at the moment they had equal food portions.

“How is that?” he asked.

“You have two pieces and I have only one.”

“But both of my pieces are smaller than your one.”

“But you have more, twice as many as I do.”

“Do you remember how the pieces of the candy bar aren’t as wanted as the whole bar?”

“But that was only one little bar compared to a whole bar. Everyone knows that you pick the bigger one to get more.”

“What about a bag of cotton candy versus a candy bar?”

“The cotton candy. It’s bigger.”

“But the cotton candy is less dense and is almost nothing compared to the candy bar… although the cotton candy is tastier,” Link mused. _‘She doesn’t understand density yet, does she?’_

“So we both agree that the cotton candy is the better deal.”

“Forget about the cotton candy. That was a bad example and I can’t explain it, not without actually having enough cotton candy, some chocolate, and a scale.” Link coughed, then snapped his fingers. “Watch this, Pipes.”

Link grabbed his two pieces of sandwich and pushed the triangles together so that they formed a rectangle on his plate. It was now identical looking to Piper’s meal.

“We have the same now!” Piper said. She pushed the two pieces apart. “But you really have more because you have two pieces.”

“So if I cut you more pieces you would have more and be happy? Even if the pieces are smaller than mine?” Link said, trying to understand his daughter’s logic. She nodded. Link grinned. “I can easily fix this then.”

He took her plate and then cut an ‘X’ across the sandwich, forming four small triangles half the size of his own pieces. Then he handed the plate back to Piper. She brightened at the sight of her four small pieces and picked one up.

“Now I have twice as many as you do.”

“You do have twice as many pieces as I do, but we still have the same amount of sandwich,” Link said. “Our sandwich volume is still the same, it’s just packaged differently.”

“Sure Daddy,” Piper said. She used the indulgent tone children use on their parents when they know better and their parents clearly misunderstand the situation.

Link realized it was best to just drop the subject. They could revisit it later when Piper was more receptive to Link’s logic. Zelda’s logic might work best. For all he knew Piper had yet to develop far enough to understand this process, although that could change any day.

After they had finished eating they played in one of the castle’s many gardens until his watch went off. Glancing at the watch, Link realized that it was time for Piper’s nap. Technically she didn’t seem to need a nap, but Link knew that if she stayed up too long she’d be cranky by the time dinner rolled around. Cranky children were just awful to deal with.

“Pipes, it’s four O’clock,” Link said, tapping his watch. “It’s time for your nap.”

Piper looked up from the watering can she was looking at. It was bright red with ducks on it and she had managed to soak herself with the water it contained.

“But I’m not tired, Daddy.”

“You always say that, but when I put you down for your nap you fall right asleep.”

“But we haven’t done anything today. Usually we go for long walks or explore the castle, Planting flowers is boring.”

“You like digging for worms.”

“Worms aren’t flowers.”

Link couldn’t argue with that statement. “Come on, Pipes, let’s get you dry and decide our next course of action then.”

“If I’m not tired can we keep playing?” Piper asked, reaching up for her father.

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Link said, hugging her tightly. “But I have a feeling you’ll be tired.”

Link’s feeling was wrong. After Piper had changed she was almost bouncing off the walls. Considering the fact her room was on the third floor and her windows were open, Link felt it prudent to give in and take her for a run through the castle.

They got underfoot of just about every servant they met. Piper managed to send towels and feather dusters flying as she raced past the maids. Soldiers nearly fell down staircases, which would have made quite a clatter in their archaic breastplates and helmets, to avoid smooshing the heir to the throne. She even led Link through the royal court and the grand ballroom, which fortunately, were both empty at the moment.

“We should find Mommy,” Piper said after Link had finally caught her.

He had successfully managed to stop her from joining a tour of elementary students in one of the public sections of the castle.

“Mommy’s working right now, sweetheart. We can’t bother her while she’s working.”

“Why is she always so busy? She’s always working.”

“She isn’t always working,” Link said. Although Zelda was working less than she had been, she was still working until after Piper’s bedtime most nights. “But you are right in that as Queen, she is very busy. There are a lot of queenly things that go into being a queen and since I’ve never been a queen, I don’t know exactly what they entail.”

“Like what?”

“Lots of boring government stuff. And speeches. Mommy has to give at least a speech a day and she has to listen to at least ten of them. Most of the orators are boring too.”

“Orators?”

“Speech givers.”

“I wanna see Mommy now!”

“And I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

Piper started to cry. It was a sniffling cry, but Link knew from experience that it would soon turn into all out wailing. Then it would become a temper tantrum and there would be no way to stop one of those until she had fully worked it out of her system. Link really didn’t want to deal with a temper tantrum.

_‘I’ve kept her up too late. Naryu preserve us,’ _Link thought.__

“Come on, Pipes, there’s no need to cry. We’ll see Mommy in a little bit.”

“But I wanna see her now!” Her voice was getting higher pitched.

“I’ll tell you what, let’s go have our nap now—”

“No.”

“I wasn’t finished, Piper,” Link said disapprovingly. It didn’t really bother him, but he needed her paying attention to him right now. “As I was saying, let’s have our nap now, but—” he continued, cutting her off with a raised finger. “—we’ll have our nap in Mommy’s office. That way we can ambush her when she comes back. You know Mommy always visits her office and there’s a big comfy couch in there, too.”

“But…” Piper trailed off. She was calming down.

“I’ll even tell you a story if you stop crying. You don’t normally get bedtime stories for naps. And I tell you what, I’ll even let you play in Mommy’s chair.”

“The big leather one that spins?” she asked excitedly, tears forgotten.

“The very same.”

Piper broke out in a run, intent to reach Zelda’s office. Link grabbed her almost instantly. He didn’t need her infuriating any more of the staff today. No one ever blamed Piper for being free spirited, she was the darling of the country, but Link was supposed to keep an eye on her. Besides, she was running in the wrong direction.

Link turned the couch into a makeshift bed while Piper played with Zelda’s chair. She liked spinning it around and since it kept her out of trouble, Link had no objections to it.

“Okay, Pipes, time for your nap,” Link said, patting the couch cushion.

She crawled onto the couch. “I’m still not tired. I want my story.”

“You know, all this wanting is going to get you in trouble one of these days,” Link said. “After all, that got King Midas in trouble.”

“King Midas? Who’s he?”

“The main character in the story I’m going to tell you. He was a king living in Ancient Greece, an old human culture.”

“Are they the ones with Cerberus?”

“Cerberus is from Greek myth, but he has nothing to do with King Midas,” Link said. At the disappointed look on her face he added, “But it’s still a good story even without any three headed dogs.”

“What did King Midas do?”

“He rescued a god. It was a middle-ranking god, which means that he could grant lots of different wishes, but I can’t remember his name anymore. So in exchange for assisting him, the god offered Midas anything his heart desired.”

“What did he want?”

“Gold. Like most humans, King Midas had an obsession with gold.”

“Why do they like gold so much?”

“I think it’s because it’s shiny. Humans are a bit like magpie. They’re attracted to shiny things. They also like to assign value to things that don’t have value. We’ve also created the same sort of currency system, but at least Gorons can use our system for food and few people get so obsessed about rupees as humans do about gold.”

“Aren’t humans people too?” Piper asked, catching the fact Link referred to people and humans.

“As odd as they may be, humans are people too. I was just referring to Gorons, Zora, Kokiri, Twill, Grundo, Shiekah, and all the others that live in our nation as ‘people’ when comparing them to humans.”

“Oh.”

“So the god decided to grant Midas his wish. In order to give Midas all the gold he could ever dream of, the god made it so anything King Midas touched would become gold.”

“Real gold?” Piper asked.

“Real gold, completely solid. As soon as Midas touched something it would change.”

“So if he touched something with his pinky toe it would still become gold?”

“Everything that touched any part of his body became gold. When he first received this gift King Midas was ecstatic. He turned all his clothes into gold cloth and then touched every odd and end in his castle so that he would be rich. Then he touched every stone in his castle so that he could say he had a palace of gold.”

“Could he still eat?”

“Nope. As soon as it passed his lips the food would become solid gold. King Midas choked several times before he realized he could no longer eat. This left him very miserable, for while he had a godlike power, he was not a god and still needed to eat and take care of other mortal functions.”

“If he touched himself did King Midas turn to gold?”

“Oddly enough, no. I guess the ability to turn something into gold cancels out the same ability, so that his flesh remained flesh when he touched it. King Midas was the only one immune. When he pet a bunny it turned to gold. When he tried to take a bubble bath the tub turned gold and the water into liquid gold. It was rather hot and painful so that Midas had to jump out of the tub immediately.“

“That sounds awful. Did the gold hurt him?”

“He got a few blisters, but couldn’t put band aids on them because the cloth turned to gold and aggravated the wounds.”

“Aggravated?”

“Annoyed. Irritated. Things came to a head when after two days of no food or drink King Midas was dehydrated and starving. People feared him now because they didn’t want to end up like the plants and animals he had touched. Then when he saw his daughter trip the king reached out to steady her and she turned to gold.”

“She became a gold statue?”

“Yes. What was even worse was that she had been in the process of falling and her sudden transition to gold startled King Midas so much that he didn’t catch her. She shattered into a thousand pieces when she hit the floor. King Midas then fell too and he wept in despair.”

“That’s awful. His daughter didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That’s exactly what he said as he raged and begged to the gods to reverse the gift they had bestowed upon him. He wished for everything to be back the way things were before he had met the god, before he had lost his daughter. Finally, his energy spent, the king fell into a deep sleep.”

“Did he dream? Did he ever wake up? Sometimes people go to sleep and never wake up,” Piper said. “That’s what happened to Grandpa.”

“That only happens to the very old, Pipes. Or the very sick,” Link said firmly. The last thing he wanted was his daughter afraid to go to sleep. “While he was asleep he had a dream. In the dream he saw Hermes, messenger of the gods. Hermes told him that if he wanted to fix his problem he needed to turn all that gold back into its original composition.”

“How could he do that?”

“That’s exactly what King Midas asked. Hermes told him to cart everything he had turned into gold to the spring on top of a mountain twelve days walk away. Well, he gathered up all the things he touched and deconstructed his castle. To get enough tools to carry everything King Midas had to turn a few more carts into gold, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was all going to be turned back to normal.”

“How did he get it all to the spring? Did his subjects help?”

“He ordered or threatened his servants into hauling all of his magically created gold to the spring. After amassing enough people to carry everything, the King set out for the spring.”

“Did Midas carry anything?”

“Yes. He held the pieces of his daughter. His plan was to try and put them back together before setting her in the spring. But before he could put her back together he and his convoy had to climb up and down three mountains. It took four days for each mountain. Two days up and two days down. This worried the king because he had been told it was a twelve-day journey and that the spring was on top of a mountain. Could the signs that led him this far be incorrect? Could Hermes’ visit have just been a dream?”

“No, because this is a fairy tale.”

Link had to laugh when he heard that logic. “You’re right, Pipes, completely right.”

“Is this one of those sneaky logic problems that don’t make sense?”

“Yes, yes it is. Because after they had finished crawling up and down the mountains Midas saw a small hill with a pool on water on it. He lurched forward, with hope, if for nothing else, a drink of water. When he reached the top of the hill he found a small golden plaque that called it ‘Mountain Hill.’ He had found a spring on top of the hill called Mountain twelve days away, just like what Hermes said.”

“That’s rather silly.”

“But it works. King Midas grabbed a candle holder out of a cart and threw it into the spring. It returned to its original wrought iron state. He rejoiced and started throwing everything into the spring. Everything continued to return to its original state. The servants pulled out bricks, tapestries, wood, feathers, and so many other types of materials that were no longer gold. Finally, after everything else went into the waters King Midas reassembled his daughter. He was scared the pieces wouldn’t stay together, but they seemed to glue together when the right pieces were aligned.”

“How did the bits glue together?”

“Godly magic. When she was fully reformed, King Midas gently lowered her into the spring. As each bit touched the waters gold returned to flesh. After the statue fully slipped underwater, his daughter came splashing up.”

“I’m glad she was okay.”

“Midas was overjoyed to see her that way. He reached out, but then stopped himself and instead plunged into the spring head first. When he resurfaced King Midas felt different. He felt at peace. The King guzzled down the spring water, for it was the first time in two weeks he had been allowed to drink.”

“But that’s impossible,” Piper said. “People need water at least every three days.”

“The gods kept Midas living as long as he had the gift, but didn’t give him release from the pains of humanity.”

“Pains of humanity?”

“Midas could starve or become severely dehydrated, like he did, but Midas would not die. When he crawled out of the pool Midas carefully reached out and touched a leaf. When it remained a leaf Midas cried tears of joy. The gift was gone and he was once again himself.”

“Did we have anybody like King Midas?” Piper asked.

“Yes. Jovani,” Link said. “He sold his soul to Poes in exchange for gold and was also turned into gold. His cat, Gengle, enlisted the help of the Hero of Twilight, who saved Jovani and Gengle from being living gold statues for the rest of all time.”

“That’s… Do Poes normally make deals in exchange for souls?”

“Not that I’ve ever heard. Now go to sleep, kiddo, you’ve had your story.”

Link pulled the blanket up to her chin. He made certain it was well tucked around her feet. Piper grinned at him, but rolled over and snuggled into her pillow. A little bit later he could see his daughter had fallen asleep. Link retreated from the couch to Zelda’s leather chair and settled in for a nap.

Link woke up when a weight settled on his lap. When he opened his eyes he found Zelda staring back at him. She played with his collar until she realized he had woken. They smiled at each other.

“I came in expecting to work with my ministers and advisers. Instead, I find you napping. I can’t possibly bring them in here if you’re napping, babe,” she said, brushing some hair out of his eyes.

“I’m glad you decided to come in here and cuddle with me.”

“You looked like you needed me more than my work does. Besides, I did promise to take it easier.” She tapped him on the nose. “But now that you’re awake, I probably need to get working again. Is there any reason why I got this enjoyable surprise?”

“Piper missed you,” Link said. “Moving in here and waiting for you to show up was the compromise I had to make in order to get Piper down for her nap.“

“Should we wake her up and say hello?”

“No, she needs her nap. She’ll be cranky if we wake her up before she wakes on her own.”

“Sounds good to me. In the mean time, I want you to give me back my chair and let me work.”

“I want you to stop working as soon as she wakes up,” Link said, hugging her.

“Can do. Now get up.”

“My second demand is that I get to keep the chair.”

“Then where do I sit?”

“Well, you’re already making good use of my lap.”

“Alright,” Zelda said. “But you need to be as quiet as my chair. You also need to get a bit closer to my desk.”

Link did as he was told. A moment later Zelda started working again. She definitely enjoyed her husband chair. About an hour later Piper woke up and was overjoyed to see that both her parents were there. Shortly thereafter Zelda stopped working and they all went out for dinner.


	9. Snow White

“What story are you going to tell me tonight, Daddy?” Piper asked.

“Are you certain you aren’t getting too big for fairy tales?” Link asked, stifling a yawn.

“I’ll never be too big for fairy tales!”

“So I’m going to have to come tell you fairy tales when you’re old and grey and have great grandchildren?”

Piper nodded vigorously.

“I guess that’s the best compliment my stories can get,” Link laughed. “Do you want a favorite tonight, like _Jack and the Giant Cannon_ , or something new?”

“New.”

Link nodded. “I’m not that big of a fan of princess stories, but since my favorite little girl in the whole wide world is a princess, I suppose I should tell you a few of them. How about _Sleeping Beauty_?”

Piper shook her head. “That sounds stupid.”

“I’ve never been fond of spinning wheels either.”

“Huh?”

“What about _Cinderella_? No, she isn’t a real princess… Oh, I know, how about _Snow White_?”

“ _Snow White_?”

“Yes, _Snow White_ ,” Link said, as if tasting the title. “Once upon a time there was a kind King and a sweet Queen who desperately wanted to have a child.”

“So why didn’t they?”

“Well, sometimes men and women have a hard time having children, even if they really want to.”

“Did you and Mommy have a hard time having me?” Piper asked.

“No, not in the least,” Link said, trying to keep a straight face. “We weren’t expecting to have you, but when Mommy found out she was expecting—”

“How can you be expecting when you weren’t expecting?”

“—When Mommy found out she was pregnant,” Link corrected himself, “she and I became very excited. Because before we knew you were going to be born, we had no idea how much we were missing in our lives. You filled a very important niche.”

“I’m a niche filler?”

“Yes you are,” Link smiled. “You’re my favorite niche filler. Now we were telling a story… right, so the Queen wanted to have a baby very much and one winter morning she pricked her finger while sewing and saw the blood swell up on her finger.”

“Why do we care that the Queen pricked her finger?”

“Because she made a wish on the pinprick,” Link said. _‘Please let her accept that answer.’_

“But who makes a wish on a pinprick?”

“It’s a metaphor,” Link said lamely.

“For what?” Piper asked brightly.

“Well…” Link started, wishing he had left that part of the story out. “Fairy tales were originally told to the whole family and some extra bits were added into the story for the adults’ benefit. The pinprick is one of them.”

“Why would adults care about pinprick metaphors?”

“The pinprick is a metaphor for… women’s menstruation.”

“Man-straight-ton?”

“This is an awkward subject to be explaining and really I think your Mother should be doing this.”

“Why?”

“Because men tend to be uncomfortable talking about the female reproductive cycle, which is what menstruation is.”

“Why?”

“Society norms. Look Piper, all you really need to know is that when you get older your body will undergo some changes and it involves blood. I don’t know how to properly explain this, but after these changes start, women can have children.”

“Why do these changes have to happen? And why didn’t the Queen already go though these changes if she wanted to have a baby?”

“Biology causes these changes. As for the Queen, she married before she underwent these changes because that was a common thing for royalty to do at the time.”

“But…”

“If you have anymore questions on the subject ask your Mother about it in the morning.”

“Why do you always call Mommy ‘your Mother’ whenever you don’t want to answer my questions?”

“It’s an old habit. Anyway, the Queen wished upon that pinprick for a daughter with skin as pale as snow.”

“That’s a stupid wish.”

“I have to agree, but that’s what she wished for. Then a year later the Queen gave birth to a little girl. It had been a hard pregnancy and unfortunately, the birth was so difficult that it killed the Queen. Before she died though, she saw that her wish came true and so she named her little girl Snow White.”

“That’s even dumber than her wish,” Piper said frowning.

Link shrugged, “What can I say? It’s a fairytale; names tend to represent the character and while we could get into the literary implications of being named Snow White, I think it might be best to skip it.”

“What implications?”

“Snow is white, which is pure and innocent, so she’s doubly pure and innocent?” Link said. “I haven’t taken much in the way of literary classes, so I’m not particularly good with symbolism. Ask your Mother.”

“So you’re being evasive again?”

“Sure,” Link agreed. “Can I please continue the story, Pipes?”

“Sure Daddy,” Piper said, waving her hand. “Continue.”

“Well, Snow White grew up into a beautiful woman who was sweet and kind and—”

“Pure as the driven snow?”

“Exactly. But while Snow White was going up into a wonderful young woman, her father was very lonely. So, while Snow White was still a child, the King met a beautiful woman with two daughters and he married her. The woman and her daughters then moved into the castle and became one large family. This might seem all well and good, but the New Queen was really an evil sorceress who had bewitched the King into marrying her.”

“The New Queen was Snow White’s stepmother, right?” Piper asked.

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand,” Piper said. “Why is the stepmother always evil?”

“That’s tradition. But if we want to do a psychoanalysis of the fairytale archetype, the idea is that the evil stepmother is really the mother who has been inverted into an enemy of the daughter now that she has given birth. The patriarchal society that spawned this story forces girls to be pitted against each other in order to, well… survive off the men who provide for them. That’s because, you see, this fairytale dates back to a time when men ran everything and women had no power. So does that make sense, Pipes?”

“I have no idea what you said, Daddy.”

“It’s traditional for stepmothers to be evil.”

“Okay.”

“So because it’s traditional for stepmothers to be evil, it’s also traditional for evil stepmothers to be jealous of their sweet stepdaughters. Now in the case of the Evil Queen, her jealousy stemmed from her conversations with her magic mirror.”

“Her magic mirror,” Piper said flatly.

“Yes, her magic mirror, it was a wise and ancient mirror gifted with powerful magic. Among its other talents, it was an oracle of truth that always gave the Queen sound advice. That was how she became just so incredibly powerful.”

“It’s still a magical mirror.”

“What’s wrong with a magic mirror?”

“It just seems like a stupid object.”

“You seem to think this whole story is stupid. Should I just stop telling it now?” Link asked, feeling a touch annoyed with Piper’s dislike and impatience with the story. Sure, it wasn’t the greatest of stories, but it still had some merits. Link had always been fond of the dwarves, though that might have been due to Disney.

Piper just shook her head. “I’ll stop complaining, but why is it a magic mirror, it just doesn’t make sense.”

“Mirrors have been held in high regard for centuries. I think it’s the fact that glass used to be extremely hard to get and the ability to reflect a person’s image seemed almost magical. So magic mirror. The Queen would ask her mirror the same question every night: ‘Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ And the Mirror would reply ‘you are,’ without fail.”

“That seems kinda vain.”

“Oh yes, the Queen was very vain and held her beauty as her most important attribute.”

“Even above her magic powers?”

“Even above. So on the day Snow White became a woman—”

“With the blood and the menstruation?”

“Yes,” Link grimaced. “With the blood and… that. On the day that happened, the Queen asked her mirror again, ‘Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ and then the Mirror said—”

“Snow White,” Piper finished, figuring out where the story was going.

“That’s my girl,” Link grinned. “This news infuriated the Queen. In a rage she ordered a faithful hunter to take Snow White out into the woods, cut out her heart, and bring it back to the Queen in a box.”

“That wasn’t very nice.”

“No, but the hunter obeyed. He led Snow White out into the woods, drew his dagger, and when he was about to stab her in the back, she turned around and saw the hunter holding up the knife. She just stared at him innocently with her big doe eyes and he found that he just couldn’t kill her.”

“But he’s a hunter, he kills things with doe eyes everyday for a living,” Piper objected. “Why would killing Snow White be that big of a difference?”

“Perhaps because she was a person too?” Link said. _’Fayor, please tell me this doesn’t mean that the darling of my eye is a little sociopath.’_

“Did he get in trouble with the Queen?” she asked.

“Why do you like this hunter so much?”

“He’s more interesting than Snow White. He’s a hunter, not a pale skinned princess that doesn’t seem to do anything other than give people doe eyes. I bet she couldn’t even lay a decent string trap.”

“I have to agree with you there, Pipes, Snow White could not lay any traps. And if I ever catch you trying to trap a foreign dignitary again, you’re going to be in a heap of trouble,” Link said sternly, shaking a finger. “The hunter told Snow White to run away and live in the woods. He would fake her death and that would protect her. So, instead of a fair maiden’s heart, the hunter brought the Queen a pig’s heart.”

“Poor piggy.”

“Quite. Snow White ran as fast as she could, which wasn’t very fast, into the woods to escape the death her stepmother engineered. The trees clawed at her and nasty faces seemed to leer at her from all directions. She was frightened senseless.”

“Forests aren’t scary. You’ve told lots of stories about playing in the woods at night.”

“I’m not a princess,” Link said, immediately regretting his words.

Piper drew herself up to her full height and huffed. “I’m not afraid of the woods. I’ve been in them at night with you, Daddy, and we had fun.”

“You’re right, absolutely right, and I doubt Mommy was afraid of the woods when she was a little girl either,” Link said. “I’m sorry I said that, Pipes, forgive me?”

“Of course,” Piper grinned, dropping into her father’s lap. “But why was Snow White afraid?”

“Do you remember me saying that this is a very old tale, as old as ‘Once Upon a Time,’ which was a very long time ago?”

Piper nodded.

“This is a human tale and for the longest of time, humans were afraid of the woods. They were dark and scary and full of the unknown. So they tended to vilify the woods. This was a time when nature was considered a sentient force.”

“Sentient force?”

“A living creature that knows and understands its actions.”

“But isn’t nature alive?”

“It is and our religion dictates that the goddess, Din, Nayru, and Fayor, are the reason why life, and especially nature, is the way that it is. That doesn’t mean that every tornado or tree is their doing. I tend to believe the goddesses have a fairly hands off view of managing the world. I also refuse to believe they would do anything to intentionally harm us.”

“But…” Piper trailed off, her forehead a mass of wrinkles. “What about the Great Flood? The one that sank Hyrule for a thousand years, or something like that, and gave rise to the Hero of Winds?”

“That all happened in the alternate timeline,” Link said smiling. “The Great Flood was the result of Ganon returning to power after Princess Zelda—the one eventually known as the Great Queen—sent the Hero of Time back in time. When the Hero of Time was restored to his original time to grow up naturally, that action split time asunder and we got two timelines. In one Ganon was sealed away in the Sacred Realm while the Hero was a boy and in the other Ganon ruled for seven years and was then defeated by the Hero of Time. So, one timeline never had a Hero of Time, which meant that when Ganon escaped the Sacred Realm much later, there was no Hero to stop him and Ganon reigned supreme. Don’t ask me which one of the timelines got the Hero of Time, I can never remember, but the one that didn’t suffered badly and the goddesses recognized the suffering. So they did the only thing they could; they flooded Hyrule to sink Ganon and imprison him at the bottom of the sea.”

“And that led to the Hero of Winds and New Hyrule,” Piper finished.

“Don’t forget the Hero of the Spirit Tracks.”

“But there’s also the Hero of Twilight, from the other alternate timeline,” Piper frowned. “And many other heroes.”

“Yes.”

“How do we know both timelines if they’re alternate?”

“Well… that’s a good question,” Link said. “We know both timelines due to the Great Convergence. About two hundred years ago during the Industrial Revolution Ganon and a few other monsters that keep reemerging, fractured both timelines to the point that both timelines had to be recombined in order to have either one survive. In order for the worlds, all the realms of reality, to survive, two heroes became one and two alternate realities became one. That’s why we have the Hero of Merging.”

“So the bottom of the trouser of time was sewn shut?”

“…Yeah,” Link said, scratching the back of his head. “I guess, although I’d call it more of a donut of time or something else that has a hole, but firmly sealed ends. Like a zip lock bag, which then zipped, allowing us to know about both timelines.”

“I understand now,” Piper chirped brightly.

“I’m glad,” Link grinned. “Now, I was telling a fairytale before we got sidetracked. Where were we?”

“I don’t remember,” Piper said. “Do we have to finish _Snow White_? I don’t like it.”

“You were describing Snow White’s run through the forest, then you trailed off to explain why nature is scary and the belief that nature is responsible of its actions before getting sidetracked by a history lesson,” Zelda said.

Link twitched spastically, nearly knocking Piper from his lap. He hadn’t realized his wife had shown up during the tale.

“Mommy!” Piper yelped eagerly. She apparently hadn’t noticed either.

Zelda, who had been leaning against the doorframe, stood up straight. She walked toward them, uncrossing her arms so that she could run her hand through Link’s hair. She kissed Piper on her forehead in exchange for a hug.

“I believe you were telling a story, Daddy,” Zelda said, sitting down on the bed so that she could look at her husband.

“Right,” Link said, coughing. Piper climbed off her father and onto her mother.

“So we’ve established that this particular forest was a nasty scary place that for whatever reasons scared our sheltered medieval princess. So she ran through the woods, got hopelessly lost, and eventually, at the highest moment of terror, Snow White fainted.”

“Real princesses don’t faint,” Piper said.

“I’ve fainted,” Zelda said.

“Really?” Piper asked, staring at Zelda. Link barely stopped from echoing her.

Zelda nodded. “It was a hot nasty day and I was wearing a corset, which restricts your ability to breath, Piper.”

“I know what a corset is,” Piper said proudly.

Zelda’s eyebrows’ rose. “A series of stressful events then occurred, including an assassination attempt, resulted in me fainting.”

“I can’t believe you fainted,” Link said.

Zelda offered him a wry smile. “I was only fifteen, Link. At the time, I lacked the left of confidence and self-assurance I have now.”

He shook his head. “Somehow, I have I hard time picturing you uncertain. I know I’ve seen you uncertain before, but I think I’ve blocked it from my memory.”

“When was Mommy uncertain?” Piper asked.

“The time I was most scared and uncertain was when I asked your Father to marry me,” Zelda said, smiling.

“I don’t know why, you knew even then that I could never say no to you,” Link grinned.

Zelda’s smile thinned. “I knew you didn’t want to get married.”

Piper looked uncertainly from her mother to her father and back again.

“I married you, didn’t I?” Link said. He stroked Zelda’s cheek. “I’m not king material and you know it. For the longest of time everyone seemed to want to make me one.”

“But Kings are bad luck,” Piper said.

“Exactly, Pipes,” Link said, looking down at her. “But then Mommy came up with the perfect solution to have me be her prince consort, which commonly happens in our country. And she gave such a logical and convincing argument for why we should be married that I would have been daft to say no.” Link leaned in and kissed Zelda. “I have never regretted marrying you and I never will,” he said softly.

“Good,” Zelda whispered.

“Right, then,” Link said, rubbing his hands together. “So Snow White woke up the next morning and found the forest to be a much more pleasant place than the previous night. The birds were singing and the squirrels frolicked. She wandered through the forest and stumbled upon a little house. In the house she found seven little men who were dwarves.”

“What were their names?” Piper asked.

“Disney will have you believe they were called Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Happy, and…”

“Sneezy,” Zelda finished for him.

“Thank you, dear. The dwarves said she could stay as long as she liked if she cooked and cleaned for them after they heard her tale. But the dwarves couldn’t stay and protect her all the time because they had to work in the nearby mines.”

“Why couldn’t most of them go to work and one or two stay behind?” Piper asked.

“Union policy,” Link said gravely. “None of the dwarves had worked particularly long at the mine and they were always late at paying their union dues, so none of them had any time off to stay at home and protect Snow White.”

“I did not know there were unions that long ago,” Zelda said.

“Quiet you,” Link said. “Before the dwarves left for work they told Snow White not to let anybody into the house because she was the first visitor they had ever had and if she saw anybody else, they were probably there to try and kill her.”

“Did a stranger show up?” Piper asked, because that was the obvious question to answer.

“Yes, because as you may remember, the Queen asked her mirror every night, ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ and because Snow White was still alive the Mirror said—”

“Snow White,” Piper said.

“Bingo. So the Queen knew the heart the hunter had given her was a fake. The Queen used her magic powers to find Snow White then sent her younger daughter off disguised as a peddler to sell Snow White a poisoned comb.”

“A poisoned comb,” Piper said flatly. “I wouldn’t buy a comb.”

“But Snow White would and she did when her step sister came round. Snow White even invited her step sister in for a spot of tea before buying the comb,” Link said. “Then when the princess put the poisoned comb in her hair the magic poison killed her instantly.”

“I thought it was an apple,” Piper said, relying on her cultural osmosis.

“Shh,” Zelda said. “He’s getting to that.”

“Listen to your mother, she’s always right,” Link said. “When the dwarves got back from the mine and saw Snow White dead they all started crying. As they got her ready for burial they removed the comb from her hair and magically Snow White came back to life.”

“If it was a poison, shouldn’t Snow White have remained dead?” Piper asked.

“It was a magic poison, so she came back to life as soon as it was removed. The dwarves were overjoyed to have their princess back, but they firmly told her to not let anyone into the house again. Snow White promised she wouldn’t because she had learned her lesson.”

“But the Queen found out Snow White wasn’t dead again because she talked to her mirror every night,” Piper said.

“And when she got the message that Snow White was still the fairest in the land the Queen flew into a rage. She sent her elder daughter, again disguised as a peasant to go sell Snow White a poisoned corset.”

“I knew those things were evil,” Piper said eagerly.

“They’re the most evil piece of fashion known to man,” Link said.

“Or rather woman,” Zelda said. “Since men tend not to wear them.”

“When the elder step sister came by the house Snow White completely forgot about her promise to the dwarves and let the stranger inside to have muffins. Then the stepsister produced the corset and even helped Snow White put it on. Once it was properly fastened, the magic poison in the corset killed Snow White stone cold dead.”

“A magic mirror, a poisoned comb, and a poisoned corset,” Piper listed. “Why are all of these objects so dumb?”

“Do you notice a theme, Pipes?” Link asked. “All of these items are traditionally associated with a woman’s beauty. At this time in human society, a woman’s beauty was her power, her only power to make men—who as you may recall controlled everything—do what she wanted.”

“Okay,” Piper said. “I still don’t get why they’d kill her though.”

“It’s another metaphor. By giving Snow White a tainted object of power, the comb that would have made her hair lovely or the corset to make her thinner, the Queen steals Snow White’s ability to empower herself and thereby ‘kills’ her.”

“Huh?”

“The Queen thought they were items she could get Snow White to accept and kill herself with. When the dwarves got home again they cried and wailed when they found her dead and prepared Snow White for burial.”

“They do that a lot.”

“They keep finding her dead. When they removed the corset as they were changing her clothes Snow White sprang back to life and all was good again.”

“So the Queen found out she was alive again.”

“Yes and the dwarves admonished Snow White for yet again letting in a stranger. Snow White swore with a pinkie promise that she wouldn’t let anybody she didn’t know into the house again.”

“Was Snow White stupid?” Piper asked. “I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Especially when it ended in death.”

“The price of Snow White’s innocence and purity was that she was very very gullible,” Link said. “Since both her daughters had failed her, the Queen decided to kill Snow White herself. She disguised herself as an old crone and made a poisoned apple to kill Snow White.”

“If the other objects where objects of women’s power, what was the apple?” Piper asked.

“It’s a reference to Adam and Eve, a story I will tell you another time,” Link said, already foreseeing a line of questioning he didn’t want to explain. “The Queen then went to Snow White and gave her the apple. But by that point Snow White had wised up.”

“About time,” Piper said.

“Agreed. She said she wouldn’t taste the apple until the old crone did, which—you may remember—was the Queen. Well, that didn’t bother the Queen one bit because the magic poison was the Queen’s hatred for Snow White and she was full of it.”

“So the hate worked as a vaccine for the magic poison?”

“An immunity, yes. The Queen safely ate part of the apple. Seeing that it was alright, Snow White took a bit from the apple and promptly died. Since she wanted the job done and over with, the Queen went over and stuff the apple chunk down Snow White’s throat as far as she could.”

“I don’t remember that part,” Zelda said.

“Well how else do you think the apple piece stayed in?” Link asked. “The dwarves got home in time to see the Queen kneeling over Snow White’s body, so they killed her.”

“How?” asked Piper.

“Stoning. Then the dwarves prepared Snow White for her funeral and since the apple chunk was in her throat, she didn’t come back to life. Well, as soon as they saw Snow White in her glass coffin the dwarves couldn’t bare the thought of putting her in the ground, so they decided to take her back to her home.”

“Why?”

“She was too big to stay on their kitchen table. On the way back they ran into a prince who fell in love with her on sight.”

“He was a necrophiliac?”

“How do you know that word?” Zelda asked.

“Daddy taught it to me.”

“Yes, well the prince took Snow White home and put her into the throne room where she could be admired by all for she was very beautiful,” Link said quickly. “He considered her to be the perfect woman.”

“Why?”

“If we again rely on literary analysis, it’s because Snow White was completely powerless and passive, which was supposed to be a man’s ideal woman at the time. Unlike most women, Snow White couldn’t even complain or voice an opinion because she was silent as the grave.”

“I hope you’ve never wanted a woman like that,” Zelda said.

“By Farore, no,” Link said, looking horrified. “I like my women powerful with a razor sharp wit they aren’t afraid to use. I don’t like being in charge.”

“I think Daddy should stop analyzing the story,” Zelda said. Piper nodded in agreement.

“One day while a servant was cleaning he accidently knocked the glass coffin over. Out tumbled Snow White and the apple chunk was dislodged. Snow White woke up, the prince married her and they lived happily ever after, the end,” Link finished, sick of the tale.

“That was a bad story,” Piper said.

“Sorry for butchering _Snow White_ so badly,” Link apologized.

“I liked the interruptions better than the story,” Piper said.

“I won’t tell it again.”

“You did your best with a bad tale,” Zelda said as Link tucked Piper in. He just sighed and shook his head before flipping off the overhead light.

“Goodnight, Pipes.”

“We love you,” Zelda added.

“Night Daddy. Night Mommy,” Piper said. “Oh and Mommy?”

“Yes Piper?”

“What’s menstruation? Daddy jumbled his explanation and I didn’t understand.”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Zelda sighed. “Now go to sleep.”

As soon as Piper’s door was closed Zelda slapped the back of Link’s head. It wasn’t particularly hard, but Link could still feel it.

“Oww,” he hissed. “What was that for?”

“Why do you keep doing this to me?” she asked hotly. “Bringing up topics and then not explaining them to her so I have to. Link, I am not ready to explain puberty to our five-year-old.”

“I’m sorry,” Link said, cringing. “But you’ve heard me speak, I have a terrible tendency to go off on tangents and then I realize that the subject matter isn’t always the best and I have to dig my way out fast. Saying you’ll explain it to her is a viable excuse if I can’t find any other way out. She does occasionally forget she was going to ask you something.”

“You’re going to be beside me while I explain this,” she said, lightly poking him in the chest.

“I would love nothing more than to be beside you,” Link said. “But goddesses, periods are horrifying.”

“Be glad you don’t get them,” Zelda said, smiling. She took his arm and leaned on his shoulder. “Let’s go to bed.” So that’s what they did.


	10. The Foolish Princess

“Where’s Daddy?” Piper whined.

“I don’t know, sweetheart, but I know he’s on his way,” Zelda said, stroking her daughter’s forehead. “He’ll be here, I promise.”

“I want Daddy.”

“I know, Piper, but there’s nothing we can do to speed up his progress home. He’ll be here as soon as he can because that’s the sort of man your father is.”

Piper just shook her head. Zelda sighed and hugged her daughter before tucking her into bed. The princess just kicked the covers off. She was grumpy with good reason.

_‘I have a feeling I’ll be in need of a new ambassador very soon,’_ Zelda thought pursing her lips.

“Why isn’t he here?”

“The trip from Skyloft is a very long journey and while Daddy had planned to leave yesterday, Ambassador Elzo needed him there for longer than expected,” Zelda said. “But I promise you, Piper, he will be back before your birthday is over.”

“You swear?”

“I do,” Zelda said gravely. “And to make certain that happens, you don’t have to go to sleep until he’s here to tuck you in himself.”

Piper smiled, but it was a sad smile. “He missed my party. Daddy never misses my parties or anything else. That’s what you do, Mommy. Why is Daddy acting like you?”

Zelda winced at the accusation. If she had Link’s gift of gab and his humor, she might have said something like, ‘Mommy and Daddy were bored with their respective roles and decided to switch for once.’ If she were Link she could have had Piper believe it and laugh about it too. But she wasn’t. And she wasn’t good with Piper for extended periods. So all she said was, “I was there.”

Piper just nodded and sighed. “You only turn six once,” she said, quite sagely.

“That is very true,” Zelda agreed. She could see that if she didn’t act very soon she would have a riot on her hands. “Piper, while we wait for Daddy, would you like me to tell you a story?”

Piper looked at her incredulously. “You? You never tell stories, Mommy. Sometimes you’ll read me one, but Daddy’s the one who always tells me stories.”

“Daddy’s better at storytelling than I am.”

“But Daddy says you’re better at everything than he is… except for making friends.”

“Well, Daddy exaggerates,” Zelda said. _‘I wish Link wouldn’t say things like that. He makes me sound like a friendless Wonder Woman.’_

“Do you know this story?” Piper asked cautiously. Clearly she wanted a story.

“I know it by heart,” Zelda smiled.

“Then tell it! Does it start out ‘once upon a time’ like Daddy’s do?”

“No Piper, for the story took place not so long ago… in fact,” Zelda said, brushing her finger along Piper’s nose, “It took place while your grandfather was still king.”

“Really?”

“Really. In a land, not particularly different from the one you know and love, a little girl was born. It was winter and her mother, a queen married to a king, had always been a sickly woman and so she could not survive childbirth.”

“Is the girl going to get an evil stepmother?” Piper asked suspiciously.

“No, what the girl got instead was a kind, but distant father and a strict, but loving nursemaid,” Zelda said. “The kind I think you could have used more of instead of letting Daddy spoil you all the time.”

“I like being spoiled rotten,” Piper said. “And Impa scares me.”

“Well the girl, the princess, wasn’t scared of her nursemaid. She was the best friend the princess had growing up. However, she was still her nursemaid, so as the princess grew older, there were more and more things she felt she couldn’t share with the nursemaid and that made the girl feel isolated.”

“What sort of things couldn’t she tell her?”

“Her uncertainties.” Zelda strained, trying to think of an appropriate example. “Would she really be a good queen, able to earn the people’s love and respect without compromising her principles? Did anyone like her the girl and not just the fact she was a princess? Was she wise enough, smart enough, confident enough to lead? Could she ever find true love?”

“Those aren’t bad worries,” Piper said. “I know I’m going to be a great queen someday.”

“I guess she didn’t have your self confidence. The princess grew and became a young woman. For the most part she dispelled her worries, but new ones formed to take their place. Eventually, when the princess reached the age to decide where she would go to college she knew she had to do something radical. She decided, that in order to find out her true worth as a person and not simply be a title, she would go to school in another country as a regular girl instead of a princess. That was the only way she thought she could accurately gauge her worth and the true problems in her nation.”

“What country did she pick?”

“She chose to go to the Termina National University, but instead of the nation’s capital, she went to the satellite school located in Snowhead. She chose Snowhead for its charm and the fact she had received a full scholarship there.”

“Why does a full scholarship matter?”

“Because it meant that her father didn’t have to pay for school and she could keep it a secret. A week before term started the princess snuck out of the castle via secret passageway and hiked off to Termina. Now doing this in such a way truly showed just how foolish the princess really was because she didn’t tell anyone of this plan.”

“Not even the nursemaid?”

“Not even,” Zelda said, smiling faintly. “When the King found out his daughter was missing he was terrified for her safety and sent the castle guards looking for her. There were no traces however, for the princess had planned her escape. Within hours of her disappearance the King offered a reward worth nearly half the kingdom for her safe return.”

“That sounds like the _Twelve Dancing Princesses_ mystery,” Piper said excitedly. “A big princess mystery with a huge reward. Was there a soldier too?”

“Shh Piper, that comes later. When the princess reached her university provided lodging she found herself rooming with three redheaded sisters. One was a senior, one was a junior, and the youngest was a freshmen just like the princess.”

“They sound just like the Deku Brothers!”

“But they quarreled not nearly so much. The youngest sister quickly became the princess’s close friend for they shared a room and the redhead was as open and free as the princess secretive. She was the first friend the princess made who the princess knew was her real friend and not simply a bootlicker,” Zelda said softly. “Which is why the princess’s secret cut her to the quick and gave her nightmares that kept her up. The sisters simply thought it was homesickness.”

“Or a lumpy pea filled mattress?” Piper asked.

“University provided mattresses are always hard and lumpy, Piper, it’s policy. Still, the princess soon grew used to her new life and new friends. At school itself she continued her studies of mathematics, chemistry, literature, geography, psychology, biology, Old Hylian—”

“Biology? Like L.U.C.A. and the amoebas?”

“Yes, if I remember correctly, that was covered under the unit on evolution,” Zelda said.

“Where does the soldier fit in?”

“As I said before, I’m getting to that,” Zelda said. “A year of schooling passed quite quietly for the princess. She made many friends and learned how to truly be a teenager. She was ecstatic with her lot. The only problem was that she could read in the papers that her country had fallen into despair at her disappearance. The princess felt it was her duty to return to her country because it needed her, but she was still young and selfish and she had met a man. A most wonderful man. He was sweet, funny, and kind. He was tall enough to make him awkward in groups and completely unaware of his incredible beauty. Especially when he blushed, which caused his ears to turn bright red. She was utterly smitten with him and could not bear to lose him.”

“Love’s boring,” Piper whined. “Where’s the soldier? Are there dragons?”

“The man was a soldier,” Zelda said, feeling a touch miffed at Piper’s complete disregard for that part of the story. “And he, along with just about every other soldier in the all of the Hylian Alliance had standing orders to find the missing princess. You see, Piper, Hyrule has always been the head of the Hylian Alliance since its founding thanks to the fact the Hero of Seasons and Ages saved both Lyrynna and Holodrum, but was from Hyrule. As such, the argument that we are an empire and not a kingdom can be made. This is supported by the fact we have one military that draws from all the kingdoms and protects all the kingdoms equally, like an empire protects its states.”

“So, we’re the opposite of Japan?”

“What do you mean?”

“Japan’s an empire with a emperor that’s only one country, while we’re a set of kingdoms that are all being ruled by you, Mommy.”

“Japan was made up of a series of fiefdoms that were ruled by warlords who were all controlled by a central power, supposedly the emperor, but it was really the shogun. That is how it became an empire, even though it’s considered a single country today. The Hylian Alliance is different in that all the original government systems remain in place for each nation even today. That is why Hyrule has a constitutional matriarchal monarchy, Termina has a democracy, and the Gorons use an egalitarian system similar to the godi of Viking Age Iceland. The fact it is an alliance and not an empire is why none of the neighboring countries interfered with Labrynna’s internal decision to change their absolute monarchy to constitutional monarchy.”

“Huh…” Piper said.

Zelda sighed. Apparently, six was still too young to understand the balance of power that made up the respective systems of government within the Hylian Alliance. To be fair though, Link still didn’t fully understand it and he had been receiving crash courses on the subject for years now, from highly respected professors and ministers of state or from more informal sessions of pillow talk.

“What about the military?”

“As for a single military shared by all the alliance, that arose by coincidence and convenience after peace became the status quo.” If Piper didn’t understand how a basic alliance formed, she was not going to understand the history of consolidating of multiple military forces into a single peacetime guard. Oddly enough, Link did understand that one.

“Oh. How does this all affect the story?” Piper asked, clearly sick of subjects she didn’t understand.

“Despite being a soldier in Termina, the man was still a citizen of the princess’s country and he was very loyal to his king. He was worried about his princess too, but the assumption was that she was still in their home country somewhere and since he was stationed in Snowhead, there was nothing he could do.”

“Why didn’t he go looking for the princess?” Piper asked. “And why didn’t he recognize his princess?”

“While in fairytales knights and soldiers go off on their own all the time, in real life, insubordination of that magnitude and desertion can get a man killed. As for not recognizing his princess, people tend to see what they want or expect to see and the soldier was not wanting or expecting the girl he wanted to date to be the princess.”

“Why did he want to date her?”

“He thought she was cute and snarky. Somehow or another through a series of blunders and awkward moments that I’m sure you don’t want to hear about because you don’t like romances, the princess and the soldier found themselves dating and in love. So much in love that the princess decided to give up her crown in order to stay with the soldier.”

“Why would she do that? Couldn’t she be like you and Daddy and be a queen with a prince consort?”

Zelda shook her head. “Even if the princess had thought of that option she knew that the soldier would never accept such a thing. She had lied to him about who she was, what she was. If she had asked him to be her king he would have left her, not because of the class difference, but because he could never trust her again.”

“That’s sad.”

“So despite the fact she had always wanted more than anything else to be queen after her father, she sent her father a letter renouncing her right to the crown. She abdicated in the name of love. In her mind, the princess was no princess no more.”

“I would never give up my title,” Piper said.

“You’ve never been in love, my dear,” Zelda said tapping Piper’s head. “The princess finished her degree in government—she had chosen her major before she had given up her crown and still had interest in the field—and moved to the City in the Sky, far above Hyrule with her soldier for law school.”

“That’s where the giant Daddy told me about lived,” Piper said.

“There’s a law school there now. Her soldier left the military, despite the fact that was all he had ever wanted to do, to follow her there. He had wanted to be a knight in the king’s personal guard until he fell in love with his princess and then she was all he wanted. They were happy, happier than either had ever been before in their lives and they felt more greatly blessed by the Goddesses than even King Midas felt when he first received his gift of gold.”

“What happened?” Piper asked. “You can’t set up something that great without something bad happening. Not in a fairytale and especially not in real life.”

“You’re right, Piper,” Zelda said sadly. “All good things come to an end and this tale is no exception. A year into their life in the sky the princess’s father fell seriously ill and since the princess was still considered missing publically, he had no heir. More than anything else in the world, the princess realized that she needed to see her father again and beg his forgiveness for leaving him in such a mess.”

“How was she going to do that?” Piper asked. “She was no longer a princess,”

“But the king was still her father and the princess still knew everything she knew when she was still heir. So she kissed her lover goodbye and returned to her original home to see the dying king.”

“If I were the soldier I’d follow her.”

“That’s exactly what the soldier did, for he wanted to meet his girl’s family. I don’t know what the soldier was thinking, but I’d like to think he wanted to ask for the princess’s hand. While the soldier was very liberal, he liked to do things right.”

“Was it right to ask for someone’s hand by asking someone else?”

“I think he planned to ask the princess, but he wanted to meet her family first. Before the princess made her way to her father’s side however, she and the soldier were intercepted by the King’s personal guard and discovered to be what they were. The soldier was aghast to find out that his love was the future queen and he left the castle without princess or payment.”

“The Pied Piper didn’t get any payment either. He went for revenge. Did the soldier want revenge too?”

“The soldier willingly chose to leave without payment. He refused to accept something that felt like a bribe to him. As for his revenge, he got it by breaking the princess’s heart for he didn’t spare her even a backward glance once he knew what she was. In an utterly shattered state she went to see her father the king. Despite his illness the King was delighted to see his only child to the point that he wept in relief.”

“Would you cry?”

“Yes. The princess did the same upon seeing him and for the first time in four years they hugged.”

“Four years?”

“The princess managed to get through her bachelor’s degree in three years instead of the usual four since she took summer classes every year,” Zelda explained, thinking the time length confused her daughter.

“Four years is a long time.”

“It is, especially when that’s the length of time a person goes without seeing their daddy. Despite her pain and regret at causing him to suffer, the king forgave the princess instantly for he understood why she did what she did.” Zelda was crying now, but she refused through sheer force of will to allow her emotions to affect her voice. “He could see her fresh heartbreak written clearly over her face and he did his best to comfort her even though she had come to do the same for him. She sat with him and told the king everything that had happened to her over the past four years. When she was done the King requested one thing and one thing only of her.”

“What was it?”

“He asked her to be queen. As he had raised her to be, as she was born to be, as she wanted to be, the kingdom needed her as queen. It would not solve her heartbreak and she may never find love again, but her land needed her because the country was about to collapse and would if she did not take the throne. So she accepted her responsibility and stayed in the capital.”

“What happened to law school?” Piper asked.

“She finished it, but it took her three more years instead of the two originally planned because she was busy being queen at the same time. She also had to transfer schools because there was no way she could make the daily commute,” Zelda said. “The princess’s father lasted another year after the princess’s return before he died. Even after she was crowned queen though, she was just a heartbroken princess on the inside.”

“Does this story have a happy ending?” Piper asked suspiciously.

“Wait and see,” Zelda said. “Much to her surprise she was a good queen, if perhaps a bit neurotic at times. Her reign for the first year was mostly rebuilding everything that had decayed during her father’s illness, but the old king had let even more of the country’s inner workings crumble than for just that time period. The new Queen saw that she needed to change the kingdom’s very way of life if she wanted it to withstand the test of time.”

“Did she change it?”

“Yes, she did. The people were not happy about these changes because change is always very hard to accept, but her changes did make the country run much smoother and saved the royal coffers quite a bit. Still, factions did not like her changes and they had not liked the way her father had run the country before her. They were dissatisfied with their lot in life and they decided to take their frustratiations out on her.”

“That’s not nice!” Piper said indignantly, sitting up. “What did they do?”

“On the first anniversary of her ascension to power, the Queen took part in a parade. Halfway through the parade, when she was the farthest away from the castle and safety in general her car was bombed by a group of terrorists.”

“Bombed? You mean the car exploded?”

Zelda nodded. “It was a large fiery blast and the only reason she didn’t die instantly was because it had been a convertible with the top open, so she was thrown clear by the blast. However, she was still harmed by the explosion. I doubt anyone could survive a car bomb unscathed.”

“What happened to her?”

“Besides being flung thirty feet she received various cuts, bruises, and burns from the blast. The worst injury though, was a broken ankle with a sprained wrist being the second worst.”

“The chaos that followed the explosion was immense. Most of the Sheikah service members that were there to protect the Queen were killed and any other officials there were so busy trying to prevent a riot that they couldn’t look for the Queen.”

“Nobody was looking for her?”

“She hoped not. She knew that at that moment, the people most interested in finding her were the terrorists and they wanted to find her so that they could make certain she was dead. Since dying was the last thing she wanted to do, the Queen crawled away from the catastrophe site as fast as she could. She didn’t know who she could turn to or where she could find safety. For the first time in her life, the Queen was truly frightened for her own safety.”

“That sounds scary.”

“It was,” Zelda said grimly. “She made it a couple of blocks away from the site before it was too difficult to walk and collapsed in an alleyway. Much to her surprise, she was right by a pay phone.”

“A pay phone?”

“Before everyone had cell phones, cities used to have phones strategically placed across the municipality where a person could place a call if they inserted money.”

“Like a vending machine?” Piper asked excitedly. She loved vending machines and whenever they stayed at a hotel, Piper and Link would go off and find the vending machines while Zelda stayed in the room.

“Yes. But there was a problem, being queen meant that the Queen never had to carry money herself and she lost her own cell phone—it was a clunky old model if you compare it to mine—so she didn’t know if she had enough money to make a call. Luckily it turned out that the Queen had a few rupee on her, so she placed a call. It wasn’t to the Sheikah Service agents assigned to her or even to her old nursemaid, but to the soldier. For even if he had broken her heart, she still loved him and she thought she was going to die.”

“Did he pick up?”

Zelda shook her head. “She got his voicemail and she left him the most pitiful desperate rambling message ever recorded. Then, after all the excitement, adrenaline rush, and general shock she had experienced, the young Queen passed out.”

“You mean she fainted?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

“Was she wearing a corset?”

“Yes, actually,” Zelda said in surprise. She wasn’t expecting that question. “She woke up in the passenger seat of a car. After a few moments of disorientation, the Queen realized that her soldier was behind the driver’s seat. She made some sort of movement or sound, which got the Soldier’s attention. He smirked unintentionally before returning to the grumpy frown she remembered from the last time she saw him. When she asked him why he was there, all he said in response was, ‘you called me, babe,’ and that left her speechless.”

“Why are you crying again, Mommy?”

“This story has special meaning to me and I get a little emotional when I retell it, Piper. The soldier drove the Queen around for a bit while she explained what happened at the parade. The city was a mess. Martial law was instated and as they drove around the Queen could see looters at work, cars overturned, and small fires started all over the place. Screams and gunshots filled the air and there was always the feeling that an explosion or three would go off.”

“Why was the city in such bad shape?”

“Because everyone thought the Queen was dead. When the head of state dies unexpectedly the entire state is thrown into chaos and it takes a while for the country to return to peaceful times. This country was still too stunned and angry to even think about establishing any peace or order.”

“So why didn’t she go and tell somebody she was still alive?”

“She wanted to, but the Soldier cautioned her against it. Odds were that it was impossible for them to get anywhere near the castle or any major state building. As for calling any of her guards, the Queen didn’t know who to trust, because as the Soldier pointed out, somebody she trusted had put the bomb in her car.”

“What did they do?”

“They laid low for two days. The Soldier gave the Queen some of his spare clothes. The clothing was too long and baggy, but they were durable and smelled of the Soldier, which made the Queen feel safe. Eventually he found them a room in a small motel near the eastern edge of town. The two of them curled up together on the bed. She didn’t want to think about what she needed to do or who wanted to kill her, but she knew she needed to and so they talked of tomorrow.”

“What did they say?”

“They talked about the preset plan the Sheikah Service had set up in case of some sort of attack. At dawn the next morning the Queen needed to go to the Holodrum Embassy. There she would be picked up by her guards and safely returned to her home. The Queen was sad she would be parting ways with the Soldier again so soon, but she needed to restore order in her country.”

“So she went home the next morning?”

Zelda shook her head. “The Queen and the Soldier showed up at the embassy just before dawn, but as they approached it, the Soldier stopped her from crossing the street to the embassy’s gates. When she asked him why he stopped her, he discreetly pointed at three different rooftops. There were snipers ready to kill her.”

“What happened next?”

“Quickly and carefully the Soldier melted them back into the surroundings before pulling the Queen as far away from the embassy as possible. Snipers weren’t part of the plan, so someone she was supposed to trust was trying to kill her.”

“It was time to contact the last person the Queen trusted who had power. That would be her old nursemaid, who doubled as the Queen’s bodyguard when she was a child and was still her personal bodyguard. A couple hours after the botched embassy meeting, they were able to contact the old nursemaid. The Soldier talked to her on the phone, while the Queen waited in the car. This time the Queen’s pick up was to be a total secret and no one, but those three were to know the pick up point.”

“Where was the pick up point?” Piper asked. “Did it go smoothly, or did something bad happen?”

“Something bad happened. While the Soldier and Queen were eating, since there were several hours to kill before the Queen could go home, the Queen was recognized. Now, if a regular citizen recognized the queen, a terrorist could too. And if a terrorist did, there would be another attempt on her life.”

“What sort of attempt was it?”

“They were shot at and chased through the Zora district of the capital,” Zelda said.

“How did that happen?” Piper asked. “Go into more detail!”

“I’m afraid I don’t remember most of the details beyond the fact it was a terrifying experience,” Zelda said. “In the end they were chased up to the top of a fish-packing factory and onto a rickety fire escape. Then, because it seemed to be the terrorist’s modus operandi—”

“What?”

“Modus operandi is Latin for ‘method of operating.’ It means that the terrorists’ favorite method of causing destruction and chaos was blowing things up.”

“Oh!”

“They blew the building up. Unlike the other near death experiences, they had experienced, this time there was no easy dodge or fix. So the Soldier turned himself into a human shield for her, to protect her from both the blast and the fall.”

“Did he die?”

“No, but he was hurt much worse than he led the Queen to believe. When he finally got the Queen to the pick up point and into the bombproof car, he fell down face first on the old nursemaid’s shoes. The Queen thought he was dead. The Queen then freaked out and started screaming that if they didn’t bring the Soldier with, she was going to go get herself blown up and then all of their recent efforts would have been in vain. Naturally, they took the Soldier home with them. Now, if the Queen had even a shred of common sense left to her after her three day ordeal, she would have known her guards wouldn’t have left a man to bleed out in a field, but she wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Did the Queen regain her common sense?”

“Yes, but it took a couple of days and the knowledge that the Soldier was not going to die to regain it. The ordeal made her into a stronger ruler and banished any doubts the Queen had for her right to the crown. She had nearly died twice and that made the Queen realize she had earned her title, by conquest and by her own action of being a successful ruler. Eventually, all the members of the terrorist cell were captured and tried for treason. As for the Soldier, he mostly recovered, but he lost a kidney.”

“He lost a kidney?”

“He nearly lost both of them, but the doctors were able to nurse one back to health. It took several months, but eventually he was released from the hospital and the Queen was there to meet him,” Zelda said, smiling. “She declared that she loved him more than any other man she would ever meet and if he was willing to come to her aid the way he did, he was still in love with her too. She would not give up the crown for him, she had done so before, but now she was Queen and she would remain Queen for as long as she lived. She wanted him by her side and she knew she could make him happy if he could ever forgive her for not telling him about her past.”

“What did the soldier say?”

“To the Queen’s surprise and joy, the soldier said yes. He needed her just as much as she needed him and the last year had been a complete and utter misery for him. To the Soldier’s surprise, he was knighted for exemplary outstanding service to the Crown. He became her constant and most trusted companion, there to make her laugh or listen to her fears in private. After several years of successful rule and love the Queen and her Knight found out that she was pregnant and so they decided to marry. The Soldier who became a Knight then became the Queen’s Consort.”

“Happy Birthday, Piper!”

“Daddy!” Piper screamed, leaping out of bed. She ran across the room and jumped straight into his outstretched arms. Link proceeded to give her a tight bear hug.

“They had a beautiful little girl and are currently living their happily ever after,” Zelda whispered, smiling as she watched Piper snuggle in her father’s arms.

“Daddy? Why is your hair on fire?” Piper asked, staring up at Link’s hair.

“It’s still going?” Link said in surprise. He slapped at the back and top of his head in an attempt to put out the small flame. Zelda quickly grabbed Piper’s glass of water and dumped it on Link’s head to extinguish the flame.

“What happened?” Zelda asked.

“You would not believe the day I’ve had,” Link said, sitting on the bed. “I was nearly tarred and feathered and then I got chased by fire keese for over an hour. That was before I fell off a cliff.”

“What happened next?” Piper asked eagerly.

Zelda could tell that her daughter was already forgetting the tale that she had just told, but Zelda didn’t mind. Link was a much better storyteller than she could ever be. Zelda curled up against her husband and sighed in contentment. Someday when she was older, Piper would want to hear Zelda’s tale again and she would appreciate it as much or even more than Link’s fairytales. Until then, and even long after, Zelda would happily listen to Link say, “Once upon a time…”


End file.
